Practice Recognizing Reactivity: Skill 2: Identify the signs of reactivity the moment it arises

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 5: Recognizing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Define and describe reactivity.

Learning to recognize the signs of reactivity means having a body awareness practice. Without body awareness, reactivity can escalate to challenging levels before you notice it. Here are some body awareness practices you can engage in.

1. Do a regular body scan meditation

2. Take Feldenkrais lessons

3. Choose to focus on your body while doing a particular activity each day, like washing the dishes or eating

4. Each day choose one aspect of your body to be aware of and check in with, like posture, tension in the shoulders, relaxing your jaw, breathing, etc.

5. Take a regular yoga or qigong/tai chi class

6. Receive a massage or energy work

7. Describe to someone else what a sensation feels like in your body while it is happening, or journal about it

8. Participate in a sport or activity where body awareness is important for improving technique (e.g. rowing, dancing, etc.)

9. Eat with your non-dominant hand

10. Spend 10 minutes a day moving how your body tells you to move

Skill 2: Identify the signs of reactivity the moment it arises

Once you have consistent awareness of your body, you can start studying the signs of reactivity. At first, you might only be able to notice reactivity after you have experienced it. Keep a journal and write down everything you noticed. To help get you started, here is a list of symptoms of reactivity divided into four types reactivity.

Descriptions of Reactivity

Attack

Body sensations

Heat, tension in hands, chest, and face, increased heart rate

Thoughts / Words / Sounds

You’re wrong

You are a____

The problem with you is_

You always/never___

You can’t___

You should(n’t)___

Beliefs

I have to fight

I am threatened

I am in danger

The only way to take care of my needs is win

Feelings

Fear, insecurity, pain, anger, resentment, grief, stressed, agitated, jealousy, guilt, shame

Perceived or experienced unmet needs

Regulation, safety, security, seen/heard, acceptance

Defend

Body sensations

Heat, tension like armoring in the, chest, tightness and closing around the mouth, increased heart rate

Thoughts / Words / Sounds

I’m not wrong

I am not___

I’m right

I never___

I didn’t___

I did it because___

Beliefs

I have to defend

I am threatened

I am not seen/heard

I am in danger

The only way to take of my needs is to get the other person to see/hear /understand me

Feelings

Fear, pain, anxiety, insecure, resentment, grief, stressed, agitated, guilt, shame, dread

Perceived or experienced unmet needs

Regulation, safety, security, seen/heard, acceptance

Submit

Body sensations

Shallow breath, heat in the face, tension in abdomen, increased heart rate

Thoughts / Words / Sounds

I’m wrong

You are ___(better)

I was the problem

I always___

I did ___

I should(n’t)____

Beliefs

I am worthless

I have to submit to be safe and accepted

I am in danger

The only way to take care of my needs is give up my truth and my needs to be seen/heard/understood

I can’t win

Feelings

Fear, pain, guilt, shame, anxiety, grief, insecure, hopeless

Perceived or experienced unmet needs

Regulation, empowerment, respect, autonomy, seen/heard, acceptance

Shut down

Body sensations

Freezing sensation in the face and body, lower temperature, numbness

Thoughts / Words / Sounds

This experience is wrong

I am not capable of being present

There’s no solution

I don’t remember what happened

Beliefs

I am not seen/heard

I am in danger

The only way to take care of my needs is to escape

There is no hope of being seen/heard/understood 

I am not capable of being present

Feelings

Fear, insecure pain, anger, resentment, grief, guilt, shame, confused, detached

Perceived or experienced unmet needs

Regulation, safety, security, seen/heard, acceptance

PRACTICE

In the lists above, circle what you already are able to recognize in yourself. Then choose three new signs of reactivity you would like to be able recognize the next time they arise.