Two Types of Judgments that Keep Anger Stuck

Stuck anger can feel like a hardness in your heart that doesn’t go away. It might also show up as anger that is there whenever your attention turns towards a particular person or situation. Behind stuck anger you might have a sense of hopelessness, grief, or intense pain or shame. There are two types of judgments that keep anger stuck. Both involve judging without regard to the other person’s life experience. When you are judging someone’s behavior only from your own experience, you are more likely to make erroneous assumptions.

Typical assertions from your own view may sound like this:

• “He just doesn't care enough to make an effort.”

• “I did it, why couldn't she?!”

• “I was in the same situation and I was able to…”

• “How many times have I shown up for you?!”

We can divide this type of thinking into two types of judgments:

1) Judgments regarding ability and character

2) Judgments regarding how to show caring

Judgments regarding ability and character

When you are caught in the first type of judgement, you might project your own abilities or behaviors onto the other person. You imagine that because you can do something, anyone can. Further, you imagine that if they don't do something, it's not about lack of ability —but rather a lack of caring, laziness, stubbornness, etc. When you are in pain about something and want it to be different, it sometimes seems easier to write someone off by assigning them a negative motive or label, rather than considering that they may not have the ability to do what you think they should.

Let's look at an example. Blake works hard at self-improvement and is dedicated to creating a healthy life. After years of asking her partner to collaborate on this, she finally learns that her partner believes that all their problems are due to external events; and if those things changed they would be okay. From the perspective of Blake's partner, self-improvement is a distraction from getting things done that would really help change their situation. When Blake is stuck in her view, she misperceives her partner's "no" to personal work as a lack of caring. She stays stuck in hurt and anger. But if Blake realizes that her partner doesn't share her view of change, she can grieve their differences, and approach the relationship in a different way.

Comparing hardships is another version of this first type of judgement. For example, you recall that even though you were busy and overwhelmed, you still managed to reach out to your brother. But when he was in the same circumstance, he didn't reach out to you. When you imagine that you and your brother share the same hardships, you are likely to make a judgment that he doesn’t trust you, or is selfish or doesn’t care enough to reach out. In actuality, the details of another's hardships are utterly unique, and each person's response to their hardship is also incredibly unique. Each time you think to yourself, "I was overwhelmed too, but I reached out to him," you are engaging in judgments that keep you stuck in anger. 

Judgments regarding how to show caring 

The second type of judgment that can keep you stuck in anger is about how to show caring. An example is when you imagine that there is a standard way to show caring — often resembling the way you do it —and that if the other person cared, they would show it in the same way. You know you are caught in this kind of judgment when you find yourself saying things like, "All my friends would do that," or "It's just common courtesy!" or "I do it for you all the time." While intellectually, you may know that everyone expresses caring differently, in a moment of pain, it may be hard for you to accept such differences. In a moment of pain and reactivity, you just want them to get it "right." If you can find just a little space to question your assumption that they were willfully uncaring towards you, you may find some release from anger and pain.

Lastly, with either type of judgment there can be the more subtle error in assumption that because someone had access to a certain behavior once, they should be able to behave that way at any time. Thus, you might believe that not showing up that way again must be about a lack of caring, laziness, stubbornness, etc.  

When you think about activities like sports and music performances, you know that some days you are in the zone; while some days you just can't find that perfect shot or play a particular piece of music. The same is true in the realm of interpersonal relating. Sometimes there is not the same access to responsiveness, compassion, skillful speech, or other behaviors that you once appreciated about someone.   

Before making a judgment or assigning motives or labels, take a breath and ask yourself if you can give that person the benefit of the doubt. Remind yourself that you don't really know what that person is experiencing or can or can't do in any given moment.

When you let go of judgment, and turn your attention toward honoring differences and allowing the discomfort of not knowing, you open the door to compassion.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on any situation in which you are irritated with someone. Check to see if you have made any assumptions or comparisons. Then ask yourself to get curious about what might be going on if your assumptions weren't true.