Being with Yourself and a Family Member in Trouble

Seeing a family member make decisions that you know will only bring them more suffering is painful. You love them and desperately want them to be well, and you want a sense of peace in your family.

When a family member is caught in something as serious as addiction, depression, or a violent relationship, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. Your mind likely spins stories about what they should be doing or the perfect thing you could say or do to change their behavior. You might find yourself expressing this by saying things like, "You are being irresponsible. You need to act like an adult!" 

You might also shift to the other extreme and tell yourself that their behavior shouldn't affect you; that you can't change them, so it’s better not to say anything.

Of course your family member's behavior does affect you. In the face of their suffering, you still have feelings and needs. Your own self-care is essential because it allows you to see the situation with as much wisdom and compassion as possible. Perhaps, your own resource also helps you to be present with what’s happening in the moment rather than getting overwhelmed by the larger situation. As such you might offer simple expressions of honesty like this, "When I hear you say you were up all night drinking and feel sick today, I worry about your well-being. I wonder if you would be willing to go to bed early tonight and get a full eight hours of sleep?"

There are four elements in this honest expression that increase the probability of being heard and getting needs met for both of you.

1. You refer to only one event. You resist the temptation to build a case by listing all the unhealthy behaviors you have observed recently.

2.  You refer to that one event in neutral terms. You resist the temptation to build a case by adding in your evaluations and judgments.

3.  You reveal your feelings and needs rather than telling the other person what is wrong with them.

4.  You make a simple, specific, and doable request. You remember that you can't help someone transform with edicts about who they are or what you think they should do. You can help someone work toward health by offering something simple in the moment and accompanying them with warmth.

Practice

If you are struggling with a family member's behavior, take a moment now and connect to your own feelings and needs. What simple and doable request could you make that would begin to meet your own needs and also contribute to their well-being?