Connected Decision Making

Once in a class series I taught for couples, I brought index cards and each couple hand-made a set of feelings cards and needs cards. There is something about having these words individually on a card that makes them easier to work with.

I then suggested to the couples that they put their feelings and needs on the coffee table. This is important both figuratively and literally.

The process of making decisions is usually to talk about the content of the situation and then go right to problem solving. More effective decision making includes putting feelings and needs on the table before moving to problem solving.

Let's look at an example with a couple, Sirena and Hakeem. They are having difficulty making decisions about finances. Sirena starts their monthly financial meeting together by reviewing the details of what is happening and Hakeem interrupts with, “I know, I know, let's move on.” This inevitably escalates into a reactive argument. 

However, if they slow down and each get their feelings and needs on the table, Hakeem realizes that Sirena is lonely and anxious trying to meet a need for connection by sharing current financial information. Hakeem had previously heard her as trying to educate him or talk down to him. Sirena learns that when Hakeem said, “I know, I know,” he was trying to express his feelings of anxiety and frustration and needed teamwork around growth and creativity relative to finances. With all the feelings and needs on the table, Sirena and Hakeem are able to make a plan about approaching their financial meetings. 

They decide to start each meeting with what is going well financially and expressing appreciation for each other around this. This helps with connection and grounding and lessens anxiety for both of them. Sirena will then share the current financial information— taking no more than 10 minutes— and Hakeem will listen and let her know that he heard her. Then they will take 20 minutes to brainstorm new ways they might want to approach finances.

If you are getting stuck making decisions with someone, it is a good bet that you have skipped hearing feelings and needs and creating connection around them. Slowing down and listening for what's really important underneath the content allows you to make decisions that are fulfilling and harmonious.

Practice

The next time you are making a decision with someone, take a few minutes before offering your opinion or idea and make a guess at the needs the other is hoping to meet with their proposed decision.