One Key to Staying with Empathy

Staying with empathy sometimes means letting go of the impulse to say “me too.” This is especially true in the context of someone expressing feelings related to unmet needs. For example, imagine your partner expresses their disappointment around missing intimacy with you and you say, "I miss it too, you know."  This "me too" response can trigger a sense of competition or blame. You both might start gearing up for an argument about who has been wrong or who is suffering the most.

When empathy is needed, chiming in with "me too" distracts from the giving and receiving of empathy.  One of the most helpful relationship skills you can cultivate is honoring what's alive in you while setting it aside long enough to fully hear the other person when empathy is needed.  

This means slowing conversations down.  It means checking in to see if the other person really feels heard.  Then checking to see if they are willing and ready to hear you before switching to yourself.  This mindfulness in conversation allows for a deeper intimacy and understanding which then gives rise to creative solutions and natural shifts in the heart.

Practice

This week notice how long you are willing to listen to another before you bring the conversation back to yourself.  Experiment with telling the speaker what you heard and asking if you got it.