Accessing Wisdom and Resources Through Gratitude

You likely have noticed that it's sometimes easier to find and feel gratitude for what you have when you witness the suffering of others. It's hard to emphasize enough how helpful focusing on gratitude can be. It is an easily accessible way to cultivate emotional resilience and resources. In addition, when you get more specific about focusing on gratitude, it teaches you how to live a thriving life and care for others in a way that truly contributes. 

Let's look at two specific ways to access wisdom and resources through gratitude practice.

Absorbing the felt sense of gratitude

Learning to soak in the felt sense of an experience means slowing down. This is especially helpful in times like these, when health and well-being feel  even more precious. A moment seems to slow down when you bring a particular quality of focus and attention to it. Here are some simple steps for bringing a greater quality of attention and focus to the experience of gratitude. 

1. As you notice gratitude, intentionally relax your face, shoulders, the muscles around your heart, and any other parts of you that you can intentionally relax. 

2. Identify where in your body you most easily notice the sensation of gratitude.

3. When you find the feeling of gratitude in your body, rest your attention there and invite that sensation to spread, following it little by little through your whole body.

4. Notice if gratitude has a color, a shape, or movement.

5. Notice how deep in your body you feel the gratitude. Can you feel it all the way into the marrow of your bones? Can you feel it expanding out past your body? 

Being able to soak in the experience of gratitude without words or story balances your physiology, strengthens your immune system, and opens your heart.

Express gratitude with specificity 

When you identify needs and the specific actions that meet those needs, you are expressing gratitude with specificity. This form of gratitude practice contributes to collaborating well with others, caring for others, and caring for yourself. When you are struggling in a relationship with yourself or another, you are often pulled into focusing on the problem: what's not working and how you can fix each other. Creative solutions to difficulties arise when there is a trusted sense that each person is seen and appreciated. And when you learn to express gratitude with reference to specific needs and actions, you teach yourself what really works for you. In this way, your decisions become wiser and your requests clearer.

Let's look at an example with a couple that comes to me wanting skills and understanding regarding their problems. I notice that they are meeting a lot of needs for each other, but are missing a practice of gratitude and the important information that expressing it provides.

When I invite them to express gratitude or celebration, one partner offers, “This week, you were just more there, softer.” When I asked about what was said or done that gave that sense, it took a few minutes before she could identify her partner’s specific behaviors. Finally, she said to her partner, "This week I noticed that when I said something as you were passing by, you stopped and turned to look at me as I talked." I then asked her to name the needs that were met when her partner did this. The list was long: support, collaboration, communion, being heard, connection, and love. 

Her partner was surprised at hearing how many needs were met through this simple willingness to stop and listen when she spoke.

Identifying and sharing both the specific thing that someone said or did and the needs that were met for you is powerful for both you and the person listening. To be able to express gratitude in this specific way requires two things. First, that you stay on the lookout for what contributes to you and  share it right away before you forget the specifics. Second, that you are familiar with the list of universal needs so that this vocabulary is immediately available to you. When you have this vocabulary and practice in place, expressing gratitude becomes easy and frequent. 

Here are some examples of expressing gratitude by including the observation and the need: 

• When I walk into a clean kitchen I feel inspired about cooking. Thank you for your hard work.

• Thanks, reminding me of my successes in the past helps me find my confidence.

• Thanks, I soak up so much warmth from your hugs.

• Seeing your smile helps me feel relaxed. 

• I really get that you hear me when you say it back like that. Thank you, I feel relieved to know I'm heard.

• Wow, you remembered my allergies when you made dinner for us. I feel so taken care of. 

• When you get home and come straight to find me for a hug, my heart fills up because I know I am loved.

• Wow, as I look at your project I imagine all the work and skill it required. I'm grateful for the sense of collaboration and teamwork.

Expressing specific gratitude for others teaches you about your own thriving, gives others the gift of being seen for their contribution, and helps them know how to love you.

Practice

This week, challenge yourself to engage at least once in the steps for soaking in the felt sense of gratitude, and practice sharing at least one expression of gratitude with a specific behavior and the need met for you.