Autonomy and Shifting the Language of “Power Over” to “Power With”

As we each work in our own way to invite equity for all, an understanding of and groundedness in a “power with” consciousness is essential. In a “power with” consciousness, you maintain awareness and responsibility for your needs and values while being able to consider and hear the needs of others. You have a willingness to use your internal and external resources to honor all needs present. When you receive guidance and directives from someone in authority, you are able to discern your response in integrity with universal needs and the details relevant to that context. If something seems off, you are able to challenge or ask questions of the person in authority. You have clarity about the boundaries of this person’s authority. You remember that the needs of all living beings are equally important regardless of roles and responsibilities. Here are some signs that you are relating from “power with” consciousness:

1. You challenge and attempt to change systems that maintain oppression and seek to contribute to creating systems that serve equity.

2. You frequently relate from a place of open curiosity.

3. You maintain a profound respect for the autonomy of each individual with whom you interact.

4. You work to stay grounded in compassion in the face of difficulty or conflict.

5. You engage openly about needs and strategies to meet needs.

6. You consistently shuttle your attention back and forth between the needs of another and your own.

7. You trust that mutual care and respect for both your own needs and the needs of others will create a quality of connection that leads to effective and creative collaboration.

8. When you follow a directive, you are clear about your own choice to say yes and what needs will be met.

9. You can offer empathy just as easily to someone above you in a hierarchy as you can to someone below you in a hierarchy.

10. When making decisions that affect others, you seek out collaboration in the decision making process.

11. You consider the needs of others equally without regard to race, rank, age, or other differences.

12. When you encounter a conflict you can engage in negotiation with respect for differing perspectives. That is, you don’t resort to criticism, convincing, manipulation, or shutting down.

13. You recognize the limits of your own cultural perspective and social conditioning and work to see how it impacts others. You get curious about and take action to consider differences so that all needs can be honored.

14. You can offer empathy without taking full responsibility for the other person’s needs.

“Power over” is a form of social conditioning and chronic reactivity that prevents you from living from a “power with” consciousness. Examining and changing your use of language is one way to access transformation. Below are some situations in which you might notice “power over” behavior and language followed by some things, in bold, you might think or say from a “power with” consciousness.

• Power over: When someone brings up a topic you immediately share what you know assuming that you are offering them information.

• Power with: You get curious with them about the topic at hand. 

• Power with: You ask a question about their experience with the topic. 

• Power over: When someone expresses doubt or curiosity about information or a decision, you begin giving advice or giving information even if you are also unsure.

• Power with: You admit that you also don’t know.

• Power with: You ask questions like, “What’s most important to you about this?” Or, you reflect back to open more space for listening, “Yeah, sounds like it is confusing right now, huh?”

• Power over: You consider yourself a peer with others in a given field, without acknowledging that others have more experience and education in that field. 

• Power with: You ask key questions like, “What don’t I know that I don’t know that I don’t know?” “What kind of training and experience do others in this field have?” “What are the most important lessons others in this field have learned?”

• Power over: You take a single training in a complex skill and then start teaching it.

• Power with: You complete a curriculum of training equivalent to that of professionals offering that work.

• Power over: When attempting to be a student, your learning is at least partially blocked by attempts to show that you already know or have experience with what is being taught.

• Power with: You honor what you know and meet new ideas or information with curiosity, asking how it might be different.

• Power over: Someone presents a way of doing something and you interrupt and insist on doing it your way. This could be as simple as doing the dishes or as complex as running an organization.

• Power with: You are able to be curious about their way and ask questions about how it works for them.

• Power over: You give orders or directives and expect others to speak up if they don’t agree. 

• Power with: You maintain conscious respect for the autonomy of others. You remember that regardless of the type of relationship you have with them, they are autonomous. Your language reflects this respect for autonomy and includes phrases like these:

  • I invite you to…

  • Would you be willing to…?

  • I recommend…

  • I get curious about...

  • This is my idea. What’s right for you?

  • As I see it, it makes the most sense to …. What do you see?

  • One thing you could do is…

  • If it worked for you, you might…

  • I wonder if you would enjoy…

  • Is it alive for you to …

  • What could I offer in return to make our exchange mutually beneficial?

  • You might find it helpful to…

  • I find it most effective to do it this way. What do you think will work for you?

  • In my ideal world, this would be completed by… Does that work for you?

  • I would like to hear your ideas first.

  • I would prefer you take time to make sure it’s right for you before answering.

  • I am okay with hearing “no.” I am sure there are other strategies for moving forward.

  • I wonder if it would be helpful to...

As you examine the way “power over” consciousness shows up in your thoughts, words, and behavior, do so with compassion. This is a strategy that has many sources, both from individual families and multiple complex social systems. Your courage to challenge yourself and that which promotes “power over” is a gift to all. Every baby step you take towards cultivating a “power with” world matters. The smallest of actions offered from the heart can have the largest ripple effect.

Practice

Take a moment to choose one item from the list in bold print above of “power with” and set your intention to practice it in an interaction this week.