The Basics of Attunement

Attunement is essential for any relationship, especially close relationships. When you are attuning, you are tuning into another's experience as fully as possible with the intention to offer care. You are often looking at, listening to, or thinking about another with warm curiosity. You notice their feelings, energy level, needs, and activities.You remember what they share and consider they are affected by things. In summary, you are willing to make space in yourself for another's experience. 

When attunement is lacking you might hear yourself or others making statements like the following:

• You don’t get me.

• You are just in your own world.

• What’s important to me doesn't matter to you.

• I'm all alone in this relationship.

• It’s always all about you.

• You don’t notice my efforts to connect.

Statements like these are indirect expressions of needs that are met through attunement like:

• Being seen and heard

• Care

• Support

• Inclusion

• Belonging

• Connection

In an ideal world, we would all be able to express attunement needs directly and make very specific requests. Unfortunately, it is a rare individual that knows what requests to make, much less that feels confident enough to ask. Here are some basic practices that can support learning about attunement and how to offer it and ask for it.

1. Learn the vocabulary of feelings and needs provided on our website.

2. Cultivate relationships in which you have a sense of being seen and heard. Notice what others say and do that give you that sense.

3. Offer or ask for the following: 

• Make more frequent eye contact

• Watch for the habit of associating whatever someone says with oneself, and seek to cultivate the habit of staying with one person at a time for longer by asking questions or reflecting back what was said.

4. Engage in an activity that is of service to others which is outside of your comfort zone. This practice of stretching into the world of others in new ways helps maintain an expansive focus.

5. At home, when someone enters the room where you are, set down what you’re doing, look up, and make eye contact.

6. Make clear decisions about when you willingly offer someone your full attention and when you choose to focus elsewhere. Communicate these decisions.

7. Use disagreements or differences of view to invite curiosity.

Attunement skills are also enhanced by regularly taking time to name and notice one’s own experience with kindness and compassion. 

Practice

Choose one of the numbered practices above to try for the rest of this week.