Practice Healthy Differentiation: Skill 5: Name and engage in self-soothing and self-regulation strategies as often as you seek soothing and regulation from others

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 12: Healthy Differentiation, see Skill 1: Articulate the core values by which you make major decisions, Skill 2: Name at least five strengths you have that help you contribute to others, Skill 3: Express and hear differences between you and another while remaining grounded and nonreactive, and Skill 4: When noticing emotional upset in someone close to you, remain grounded and authentically choose.

Skill 5: Name and engage in self-soothing and self-regulation strategies as often as you seek soothing and regulation from others

Emotional upset and reactivity is a regular part of life. So, it’s essential to have skills and strategies for meeting it. Enmeshment and disengagement are the result of a lack of resources and skills. Soothing and regulation are the first steps for managing reactivity and being able to meet upset in yourself or another.

When you have a strong ability to self-soothe and self-regulate, you can more easily interrupt the cycle of reactivity and come back to the topic at hand with skill and discernment.

Practice

Choose one of the following self-regulation strategies to practice each time you notice a sign of tension or reactivity in the coming week.

Self-Regulation Strategies:

Soften: Soften your face, mouth, jaw, tongue, shoulders, back

Wishes for Well-Being: Express a wish for the  well-being of yourself or others: May I feel peace. May she feel love. etc.

Visualize: Visualize something that immediately brings a sense of peace and calm

Expand: Imagine your energy extending out beyond your body

Orient: Orient to one of the five senses: sounds, light, color, scents, taste something or touch something that has a soothing texture

Sing: Sing a soothing song silently or aloud

Name: Name parts of experience: thoughts, feelings, needs, impulses, etc.

Direct: Direct energy through the soles of your feet into the earth. Visualize and sense this flow of energy.

Touch: Put your hand on your heart, give yourself a shoulder massage, run your hand through your hair, rub your thighs, rub your feet back and forth on the floor, etc.

Love: Bring to your awareness someone you love easily and feel your love for them

Chant: Repeat a mantra or meaningful phrase

Attend: Attend the cycle of energy that flows from your crown down through your centerline to your root and back up

Breath: Focus on three breaths following each inhale and exhale. Attend to a long slow exhale to the bottom of the breath.

Smile: Bring a smile to your lips, in the middle of your forehead, your heart, and your abdomen

Use questions: Ask yourself a question that directs you to your values; “What is really most important right now?”

Notice: Cup your hands together and notice the energy flowing between your palms