The Need to be Seen: Finding Freedom from Overachieving

In an ideal world, you would grow up with a sense of being seen and embraced for the multidimensional unique person you are. But your parents and other adults around you, doing the best they could, had blind spots. Perhaps they saw and embraced you when you were being strong and tough, but ignored you when you were feeling sad or afraid. Perhaps they celebrated your athletic achievements, but paid no attention to your artistic expressions. Perhaps they only saw you in as far as your actions met their needs.

Most likely your experience was a complex mixture. This mix of responses from your parents and others, and your own unique constitution, came together to give you a sense of the world. You may now have particular limiting beliefs about how and under what conditions you will be seen and celebrated.

One common example is imagining that you will only be seen and celebrated if you achieve some particular goal. Setting and achieving goals is not a problem in and of itself, of course. When achieving a particular goal is held as the only way to meet a need, however, a sense of desperation, obsession, or painful longing arises. You’ll know this comes from a reactive place inside you when you notice that, after achieving the goal, you enjoy little (or have short-lived) satisfaction before turning toward achieving the next thing. In this reactive mind state, you have blinders on and can't imagine or trust other ways of meeting your need. At the same time, by cutting short satisfaction and not taking time to rest in completion, you block the possibility of fulfilling the need. This pattern can keep you stuck and lead to extreme depletion as it is played out over time.

Mindful Compassionate Dialogue offers us tools to notice these states of mind and receive them with kindness and compassion. You can uncover limiting beliefs that are driving the reactivity, interrupt reactive habits, and learn to meet your need to be seen in new ways. Let’s take a look at a few baby steps in this direction.

First, the realization that you have been living your life from a reactive pattern can be disheartening and disorienting. Take time to receive this insight with self-compassion and self-empathy or request accompaniment from an empathic other to process it. Also, know that you developed these strategies in your youth for your survival: achieving was the most reliable way to be seen and valued. You might want to offer compassion to the young “you” who so yearned to meet these needs and found what seemed like the perfect strategy. It’s also important to remember that the fact that there is reactivity behind this behavior doesn’t invalidate your achievements. They are still very real and worth celebrating. AND, this realization means that you don't have to keep pushing yourself in this way. Becoming aware of this reactive pattern has the potential to free you to just BE and just BE YOU, regardless of your achievements. 

Starting to see yourself is a way you can reconnect to authenticity and expand your relationship with the need to be seen. When in the reactive mind state described above, you tend to focus all your attention on that which is in service to current goals and then judge yourself by the level of accomplishment of that goal. By intentionally directing your kind attention to other aspects of yourself: for example, the way you offered listening to your neighbor, the full way you laugh at a joke, your ability to enjoy the quality of light at dusk, or your sadness over a loss, you are cultivating a new relationship to the need to be seen. And, as you see and embrace “you” in diverse ways, you will begin to share more of who you are with others, who then have the opportunity to see and embrace you in diverse ways as well.

Practice

This week, consider building time-outs into your daily routine. Set an alarm or choose specific times of day to lie on the floor and close your eyes, take a walk in nature, play with a pet, take a few conscious breaths or anything else that would help you relax and expand.