How to Ask for Space

Do you ever wish you could get a little more breathing room in an intimate relationship?  From your perspective, they move in so close that you wish you had a snorkel so you could get a little air.

The other person, on the other hand, is feeling hurt wanting more intimacy and is receiving your request for space as a form of rejection or lack of caring.  You notice this conflict repeating itself in little and big ways. You want to be able to ask for space and know that the other person trusts your caring.  

It seems these needs are in conflict.  Needs are never in conflict; the conflict resides in the strategies to meet them.  When you have multiple strategies to meet a single need you can more easily negotiate when conflict arises.

When you want to ask for space, first, identify the needs that you hope will be met by having more space. Slowly look through the needs list while keeping your request for space in mind. Just being able to express your need when you request space, will help the two of you connect.  In addition, be more specific about what taking space means. Is it time alone? Is it being in the same room doing separate things? Is it actual physical distance? Identify a variety of ways taking space might look for you. Having multiple strategies to meet any particular need allows you to enter into negotiation and collaboration and remain equanimous.

You can also check in with the other person about their needs when they are asking for more closeness.  Moving in close isn't always about intimacy or connection. Often other needs are at play like reassurance, acceptance, and love.  You can ask the other person to look through the needs list. Or, you could make some empathy guesses. Once they have identified the need, ask about other ways you could contribute to that need.  There are likely many ways to meet that need that don't trigger reactivity or irritation for you.

Lastly, when a conflict is repetitive, it usually means some healing work is needed.  Identifying the needs present gives you clues about the nature of the healing work. Undone healing work, can result in attempts to control someone close to you so they don't trigger those tender spots.  Your healing work is yours to do. It's not anyone’s responsibility to indefinitely accommodate those tender spots for you. On the other hand, if you have identified the healing you need to do and it is underway and the other person knows that they are likely happy to accommodate requests to be gentle around tender spots until the healing work is complete.

Practice

Take a moment and reflect on any interaction in which you have asked for space.  Look through the needs list and identify what needs you are attempting meet or protect by getting space.