Healthy Differentiation with Another’s Reactivity

Meeting another’s reactivity without falling into reactivity yourself is a big ask. We are naturally affected by each other’s emotions and energy. Differentiation—knowing what’s yours and what’s theirs—requires a depth of groundedness and discernment. Let’s look at three specific things that support differentiation in the moment of facing reactivity in another.

First, being able to name to yourself that another might be reactive gives you an opportunity to choose to self-connect with regulation strategies and anchoring. 

Second, clear self-assessment is needed to discern whether you are able and willing to meet the other person with the intention to connect, or whether you want to engage in self-care and set boundaries. 

Third, and perhaps the most difficult, is the capacity to continuously sort who is responsible for what—that is, to engage from a place of healthy differentiation.

When someone is in the trance of reactivity, they are transposing a past experience onto the present one. Thus, the general content of what they say may have little to do with the situation at hand, yet their emotions and needs are valid.

Healthy differentiation means you have several things to track and sort during an interaction. This implies a high degree of self responsibility. You are watching for your own reactivity and remembering that the other person is not the cause of your reactivity. You are clear that their words or behavior are simply triggering your own unresolved past pain. As such, you are consistently engaged in the internal process of emotional regulation and self-responsibility. You are aware of the level of access you have to an expansive perspective and the skills needed to maintain connection.

When you have the capacity to recognize and track reactivity along with accurate self-assessment and emotional regulation, you will be able to engage from a place of healthy differentiation. Specifically, this includes the capacity to:

• Hear someone's needs without taking responsibility for them

• Remember that your emotions arise from your own thoughts, perceptions and needs

• Recognize that the cause of your reactivity is always within you

• Recognize that  the cause of another's reactivity is always within them

• Express and hear differences between you and another while remaining grounded and nonreactive

• Name and engage in self-soothing and regulation strategies as often as you seek soothing and regulation from others

• When perceiving blame, shaming, or pressure to think or act in a particular way, set a boundary and engage in honest expression

When you can meet another's reactivity while remaining grounded in healthy differentiation, there are many choices you could make in the moment. Here are a few possibilities:

*Set a Life-serving Boundary:  If the other person is name-calling or using other language that doesn't meet your need for respect, it's helpful to set a boundary immediately by saying what you want. For example, "I need respect, please say that differently." If  the other person doesn't respond to this, then you may set a further boundary by leaving the conversation and setting a specific time to try again. 

*Honest Expression: You might express what's going on for you, along with a request. For example, "As I hear you right now I feel disconnected, and I really want to connect. Can we pause in silence and take a few deep breaths?"

*Empathy Guess: You can make an attempt to hear what's going on for the other person underneath the reactivity. For example, "I'm hearing that when I gave you advice without you asking for it, it really didn't work for you; perhaps you just wanted to be understood?" Or, "Sounds like you're frustrated and want things to be fair?"

*Offer Reassurance: Because reactivity is based on a perceived threat, reassurance about your care for the other person’s needs can be helpful. For example, if a sense of choice is perceived as threatened you might offer, "I really want you to choose what's right for you."

Lastly, I will offer that you can learn much more about reactivity through our self-paced recorded courses. Specifically, in the course on chronic reactive patterns you can learn to quickly recognize universal patterns of reactivity, which helps you to guess the underlying needs more quickly. Here is a very short summary of those patterns and the associated needs:

1. Reactive Feeling & Pattern: overwhelmed — expressed as withdrawing

   Associated Needs:  safety, belonging

2. Reactive Feeling & Pattern: hopelessness — expressed as collapse, self-alienation

   Associated Needs: support, trusted forms of nourishment

3. Reactive Feeling & Pattern: shame, humiliation, rage — expressed as puffing up & getting tough or charming, persuading, and manipulating others

   Associated Needs:  acceptance, authenticity

4. Reactive Feeling & Pattern: anger, resentment — expressed as passive resistance, refusing to commit, becoming immovable, having a sense of being in a hopeless bind

   Associated Needs: autonomy

5. Reactive Feeling & Pattern: anxiety, hurt, perception of being ignored or rejected — expressed as working hard to win love and attention through high drama, big sparkle, or great achievements.     

   Associated Needs: being seen/heard, inclusion, unconditional love.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a time when you were facing another’s reactivity. Which of the following aspects of healthy differentiation were you able to access in the moment?

• Hear someone's needs without taking responsibility for them

• Remember that your emotions arise from your own thoughts, perceptions and needs

• Recognize that the cause of your reactivity is always within you

• Recognize that  the cause of another's reactivity is always within them

• Express and hear differences between you and another while remaining grounded and nonreactive

• Name and engage in self-soothing and regulation strategies as often as you seek soothing and regulation from others

• When perceiving blame, shaming, or pressure to think or act in a particular way, set a boundary and engage in honest expression