Practice Managing Reactivity: Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity, Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies, and Skill 3: Shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honesty the moment reactivity is identified.

Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment

Blame, judgment, criticism

• Spoken from the pain of the unmet need

• Expressed without regard to another’s person’s ability to listen or the impact it will have on them

• Often unable to name what is working in a given situation

• Expresses labels, adjectives, and generalizations

• Most often expresses frustration, irritation, impatience, or anger

• Doesn’t name needs.

Feedback or Information about Unmet Needs

• Given from the energy of the need

• Offered at a time the other person says yes to listening

• Feedback about needs met is given five times as often

• Describes specific observable behaviors

• Expresses only 2-3 feelings at a time.

• Expresses only 2-3 needs at time

• Immediately connects needs to specific and doable requests

Practice

Take a moment now to think of the last time you offered someone feedback. Which of the characteristics of feedback were present? Which would you like to add?

Now examine a moment that you expressed blame, judgment, or criticism. How might you translate that into feedback relative to the characteristics listed above.