Connection Gems

The Connection Gem of the week applies Mindful Compassionate Dialogue to situations in daily life and offers clarity and practical skills. You can find an archive of Connection Gems using the list or search engine below.

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Practice Life-Serving Boundaries: Skill 2: Identify 3 types of useful boundaries

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 8: Life-Serving Boundaries, see Skill 1: When saying “no” to someone’s request, identify the needs to which you are saying “yes”.

When working with boundaries, you need a way to sort your experience of them. This helps you study your experience and make decisions. Sorting your decisions about boundaries into boundary types is one effective way to do this.


Skill 2: Identify 3 types of useful boundaries

We can divide boundaries regarding connection into three main types: 

  1. Distant: in which you maintain less connection, or just enough connection to complete the task at hand.

  2. Flexible: in which you negotiate the level of connection according to what supports meeting needs in a given context.

  3. Close: in which you offer and invite intimate connection on a consistent basis.


Practice

Choose a particular relationship in which you would like more clarity about boundaries and use the following questions to guide a contemplation session.

1. type of Relationship

Is this a peer relationship or not? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then this is not a peer relationship.

  • Does one person consistently seek or give guidance or counsel? (a one-way relationship, not mutual sharing of guidance.)

  • Does one of you have significantly more experience within the given context? Is this the only context in which you interact?

  • Does one of you carry more responsibility within the context in which you interact. Is this the only context in which you interact?

If this is not a peer relationship, consider the following:

  • If you are in a position of earned authority, identify the effect of your authority and the limits of your authority. 

  • If you are looking up to a person in earned authority, identify what exactly you are looking for and what you are not looking for; identify the limits of what you will share and what you will receive. 

  • Are you unconsciously creating hierarchy by not sharing of yourself and/or only offering advice or conversely by only asking for guidance and not inquiring about the other’s needs? 

2. Supportive Context or Conditions 

What type of boundary does the situation you are usually in together encourage or discourage? 

Reflect on your relationship over a given week or month. How would you usually answer these questions?

  1.  Are others present and can they hear you?

  2. Is it quiet or noisy? Are you physically comfortable?

  3. Could you be interrupted easily?

  4. Is the time limited?

  5. Do you include or exclude others in your interaction with this person?

  6. Is the interaction parallel or collaborative?

  7. Does the shared activity or context require physical proximity or emotional sharing?

  8.  Is it a task-focused interaction?

  9. Is it a service exchange interaction (e.g., doctor, dentist, mechanic, etc.)

  10. What is the frequency of contact?

3. Needs and Intention / Expectations

  1. What needs are you and the other attempting to meet in your relationship or the situation? 

  2. What intentions or expectations do you have for the interaction? 

  3. Do you have a shared reality about those needs and intentions/expectations? 

  4. Do your needs/expectations match what is actually possible in the relationship or situation?

4. Body Language

How are you and the other person holding or moving your body? Is body language in alignment with the boundary you want to create? The following questions may help you discern this: 

  • At what angle do you stand to each other?

  • Are arms folded across the chest or open?

  • Is there consistent eye contact or infrequent eye contact?

  • What is the level of physical proximity? Do either of you lean in or away, step closer or step away?

  • Do either of you relax into physical contact or tighten against it?

5. Sharing

  1. What content do you want to share and what content is not going to be shared?

  2. What are you willing to hear from the other and what are you not willing to hear?

  3. What could be shared that could trigger reactivity for you?


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