Build a Bridge Before Crossing

Connection with another is like a well-built bridge that sharing can cross over. The heavier the use and the heavier the vehicle, the stronger you want that bridge to be. And, like anything in life, bridges require maintenance and care. If the bridge of your connection with someone is akin to a slippery log across a roaring river and you attempt to communicate something deeply vulnerable and important, you will not likely receive the type of sharing and presence you need.

Building a bridge of connection can take many forms. You are likely doing this off-and-on all day with many people around you. You might know something about the type of connection or bridge needed with co-workers, employees, clients, etc. With people closest to you, however, you might lapse into the assumption that the bridge is already there and you don't have to maintain it. This couldn't be farther from the truth.

Bridge maintenance is as constant as your breath. Assuring connection and care in consistent and powerful ways allows you to meet challenges with grace and hold vulnerability with love and compassion. 

Let's look at a specific example. Let’s imagine your partner or intimate living mate has been away on a business trip for a couple of weeks. After dinner, they say they are going to go out and work in their studio for a while. You feel your heart sink. You were hoping for some time with them. As they leave, you feel hurt and resentment arise. When they come back in for some tea a bit later and greet you, you are cold to them. They ask what's wrong.

This is the critical moment. You want to share your feelings and needs and you hope they can receive them with kindness. If you don't recognize that the two of you have been in different worlds for the last couple of hours, you are likely to express your feelings and needs to this person you care about with no bridge to hold them. So instead of hearing your heart, they may hear an attack and begin defending.

You can build a bridge first by acknowledging both worlds before expressing your vulnerability. This might sound like, "I understand that working in your studio helps you to decompress after a stressful business trip. I want you to take the time you need. At the same time, I notice I miss you and want to connect. Do you have the space for checking in and connecting at some point tonight?" By expressing your feelings and needs in this way, you offer compassion to the other person while taking responsibility for your needs.

Here are some other ways to build a bridge with the people you’re close to:

• Check for Readiness: You honor yourself and the other person when you ask if they are ready and willing to talk about something before diving into it.

• Support Autonomy: Before making any request, you can begin with reassurance that you are comfortable hearing a yes or no based on what really works for the other person. This shows you aren't making a demand, but rather have the flexibility to negotiate decisions in a way that works for both of you.

• Affirm Inclusion: Even as you are doing things on your own, you can include others. You can offer a simple reminder that you are holding the person you care about in your heart, let them know that their support of your self-care is important, and affirm that you consider the impact of your decisions on them.

• Share Met Needs: Make it a habit to explicitly acknowledge all the mundane and special ways those close to you meet your needs and the needs of your family. This helps everyone involved trust that you see their good intentions and contributions. When this trust is present, it's much easier to meet an expression of unmet needs without reactivity.

Practice

This week, notice all the little and big ways you build and maintain a bridge with the people around you. Ask yourself if you are making an equal effort with those closest to you. If not, try experimenting with bringing as much care and respect to your intimate connections as you would with a client, supervisor, or other important relationship. Set aside a whole day for this practice or for one of the practices above (acknowledging both worlds, checking for readiness, supporting autonomy, affirming inclusion, or sharing met needs).