Practice Life-Serving Boundaries: Skill 1: When saying “no” to someone’s request, identify the needs to which you are saying “yes”

Traditional ideas of boundaries focus on what you don’t want. Thus, setting a boundary is about closing off, pushing someone away, or expressing an angry “no” in the face of something unwanted. Such actions are often associated with being tough and may be accompanied by harsh judgments of yourself or others. 

Life-Serving Boundaries is a practice that is designed to help you discern and direct energy toward what you do want. When you make decisions based on what truly is in accord with your values, what you don’t want is naturally excluded most of the time. Life-Serving Boundaries help you stay clear, stable, and focused on what truly serves life. They help you live a thriving life which includes contributing to the well-being of others in a sustainable and meaningful way.

When you trust yourself to set Life-Serving Boundaries, you become less vulnerable to reactivity. You have a sense of confidence that you can meet challenges and stay true to your deepest values. This allows you to stay heart-connected and consistently access wisdom and offer loving-kindness to yourself and others.

When boundaries are unclear, hyper-flexible, or ridgid, a sense of threat can invade your relationships, and destabilize your ability to expand and grow.

However, when boundaries are clear and consistent between people in any relationship or partnership, or even between you and yourself, you can relax into a sense of confidence that you can handle life's challenges.

Having clarity about Life-Serving Boundaries in relationships allows a greater sense of security and freedom. When you are clear about boundaries for yourself and others, you also know where you are free to play and grow together.

Learning to set Life-Serving Boundaries is a Relationship Competency that helps you embody an authentic life and live respectfully with others.

You can find many articles on Life-Serving Boundaries in our archives. This one is a good place to start.

Skill 1: When saying “no” to someone’s request, identify the needs to which you are saying “yes”

For this skill you are being asked to move beyond knowing what you don't want and become aware of what you do want at any given moment. You already do this when you are identifying priorities in life. Each time you identify a priority you are naturally saying no to everything that is not that. For example, when you prioritize going to the gym every Wednesday evening, you are saying no to getting together with friends, watching a movie, or doing yard work on Wednesday evenings. 

When you are clear about a priority in life you likely notice a sense of solidness in yourself, along with inspiration and commitment. You have a much greater sense of personal power and motivation when you are moving towards something you care about rather than away from something you don't like or want. If you enjoy going to the gym and are connected to the positive feelings of health and well-being when you go regularly, it’s easy for you to keep your commitment and say no to other things that come up on Wednesday evening. In this way, identifying the needs you're saying ‘yes’ to when you say no to any given situation or request empowers you and helps you stand your ground. When you can easily connect to your needs in the moment, you will find that you are able to say no with a sense of security and confidence. 

Practice

1. Look at your calendar for the coming week.

2. In the empty spaces on your calendar, write down the needs you anticipate that you would like to meet at those times.