A Simple Practice with Reactivity

The untended mind will automatically give attention to perceptions of pain or threat. This is how our consciousness functions at the survival level. However, this is not so useful for remembering the big picture, nor for shaping your consciousness around gratitude and compassion. 

It requires mindfulness and a strong intention to keep your awareness broad, and to take in the totality of your experience in a given moment. Such a practice can be relationship saving.

It's easy, in a moment when you are triggered with someone close to you, to find your mind focusing on the smallest irritation. In the face of a perceived offense, you notice the impulse to judge, insist on your way, or blame the other person for your irritation. 

The strength of this reactive habit is part of what makes it difficult to access your awareness and skills.

I watched this dynamic in a couple with whom I was working. As I listened to Kate, I watched her partner, Dan, tighten his jaw, look down and away, and fold his arms over his chest. He was perceiving judgment and being pulled in by his own reactivity. When I checked in with him, he lifted his hand and began to count on his fingers the good things he had done in their relationship. We had entered the courtroom in which each person presents their case. This is a tragic strategy for being seen, heard, and valued.

However, using mindfulness and accessing clarity about his intention to be seen, Dan would be able to track his reactivity as an alarm rather than acting on the impulse to present his case. This alarm is telling him that important needs are alive for him. From this aware place he can make a request and say, "Kate, I want to hear you and feel connected, and instead I only perceive judgment. Could you tell me what exactly you are wanting me to understand from what you're saying?" After hearing Kate more clearly, his need to be seen and heard may be less alive, but if not he can make a second request to care for those needs.

Not getting swept away in the tide of reactivity requires a consistent mindfulness practice and strong intention. A simple practice with reactivity that will help you develop mindfulness is asking yourself this question as many times a day as possible:

"Right now, am I feeling contracted or expansive? If contracted, can I breathe into it and release it, and identify the underlying universal need?"

Practice

This week, practice with the question above. Ask this question of yourself as many times a day as possible. You can help yourself remember to do the practice in a number of ways: 

• Set an hourly alarm on your watch 

• Write it on the back of your hand 

• Write the question on post-it notes and put them every where your eyes land

• Create a pop up on your computer with this question

• Do the practice with someone else and agree to check in about it at the end of each day

This practice will allow you to become more and more proficient at recognizing and naming reactivity when it is alive. Your awareness will help you to pause and become grounded in your intention to connect by speaking from the needs that are alive for you, rather than acting on reactivity.