Shame about not having a body that matches some external standard is painfully common. Knowing all the pain that body shame causes, it can be difficult to stay with someone when you see them getting caught in it.

Yet, staying with someone when they are getting caught in shame is the most powerful gift. Let’s look at the difference between common responses to body shame and offering empathy. The following “not empathy” responses might meet other needs like information, comfort, and support:

Distraction

• "Hey, come on, don't think that way.  Let's go see a movie."

• "Your shape looks good to me, come on let's dance."

Education

• "Did you know that you are the average weight for your height?  Statistics show that…"

• "When you say stuff like that you contributing to the thinking that leads to eating disorders.  Did you know that..."

• "Hey, saying that is just a result of being inundated with unrealistic media images."

Convincing

• "Don't be silly.  We went on a hike yesterday and you had more stamina than anyone else."

• "You are not seeing yourself clearly.  You are actually just fine the way you are."

Consoling

• "Come here and let me give you a hug.  I love you just the way you are."

• "Ah, that's just what bellies do.  There's more of you to cuddle."

• "Your lovability does not depend on the shape of your body."

When you are wanting to offer a deeper level of presence and empathy, these type of responses will be more helpful, for example:

• Wishing you were different, huh?

• Sounds like you really care about feeling good in your body, is that right?

• Painful to not meet the goals you had set, huh?

• Feeling some grief about how your body has changed?

• Sounds like that body critic voice has been talking at you today.

• You wish you were more slim, fit, and muscular, huh?

Responses like these aren't the end of the conversation. These are ways to meet someone in the moment. Meeting someone where they are at can help release them from the grip of shame. In that release, it’s easier to see the situation more clearly. Your compassionate presence makes space for truth.

In the next layer of conversation, with shame dissolved a bit for the moment, you will likely hear them talk about needs like acceptance, love, reassurance, choice, health, or belonging. Empathy for these needs might then lead easily to a concrete request.

Practice

Meeting someone in the darkness of their shame is a courageous practice. It means you trust yourself to stay connected to the light of truth even as you enter the darkness. Take a moment now to breath into the truth you know that is below body shame. As you settle into to that knowing bring to mind someone you have recently heard criticizing their body. Let yourself feel their pain, as you breath into your knowing their inviolable worth and breath out compassion.