Feelings & Needs Cards Activities

These feelings and needs cards will help you find your way through a difficult dialogue and to connection. The feelings cards are designed to make use of the right brain so that connecting to feelings can be more than finding the right word. Color schemes help you find feeling tones along a continuum.

You can simply leave these cards out on the coffee table to shuffle through as you reflect on an experience or decision, or engage with someone close to you. You can also follow instructions for specific exercises such as appreciation, self-empathy, and empathy.

The total set contains 219 cards: 88 universal needs cards and 131 feelings cards. Lists to make smaller decks are provided. For example, you can use the reactivity deck to isolate cards most associated with reactivity. You can also use a small deck of 15 feelings cards and from there find use the color continuum to identify more nuance in feelings.

Empathy Circle

This can be done with two or more people.

1. Choose someone to monitor time (Timer) who will let the Speaker know when they have spoken for three minutes (the Speaker does not have to use the entire three minutes).

2. Spread the feelings cards out so that they are easily access and visible to everyone.  

3. Divide the need cards among the Listeners  (the Speaker does not get any cards), and set them aside.

4. Listeners: Set need cards beside you and give your full attention to the Speaker, listening silently. Do not look at the feelings and needs cards while you listen.

5. Speaker: Talk freely about something for which empathy is needed. This could be a difficulty or something that is going well. The Speaker talks for two to three minutes while the group listens silently.

6. The Speaker’s turn to talk ends when they say they are done, or the Timer gently lets them know that the time has ended. Then, Listeners guess the Speaker’s feelings and needs in the following manner:

   1. Listeners lay a feeling card and a need card in front of the speaker and say:

      1. “Do you feel ______________ because you need______________?”  

      2. Use this sentence just as it is written. This will help you keep the focus on the Speaker rather than your own ideas.

7. The Speaker does not answer “yes” or “no” to each guess, but rather simply absorbs all offerings of empathy.

8. When the Listeners are done guessing, the Speaker looks at all the cards in front of them and picks the top two or three feelings and needs that resonate the most.  

   1. The Speaker may match feelings and needs differently from the guesses.

9. The Speaker then says a few words about how it was to receive that empathy.

   1. The Speaker writes down the top needs they identified so that they can follow through with action or requests regarding those needs later.

10. Choose the next Speaker.

11. Redistribute the need cards (the Speaker does not get any cards).

12. The next Speaker begins.

13. Each turn takes about seven to nine minutes in total.

Self Empathy

1. Feelings cards: use the color code guide here to identify the groups of feelings that seem present for you. Then, look through each while identifying two to four feelings that are most present for you.

2. Remove following small group of cards from the needs deck and set them aside: Connection, Autonomy, Security, Collaboration, Purpose, Clarity, Appreciation, Health.

   1. Then, notice which of these stand out for you as most relevant to your current situation.

3. Using the Feelings and Needs List, find that needs alive for you and pull out the associated needs in that group.

4. Alternatively, it can helpful to look through all the needs cards and pull out each card that seems even loosely related. This helps identify needs you may have a bias against or may be holding unconsciously.

5. Spend a few minutes or a few days with the needs cards. Let your attention rest on each one and notice what comes up for you.

6. When you are ready, choose two needs to focus on.

7. In mindfulness, articulate requests to meet these needs: What do you want to ask yourself or someone else to do to honor or nourish the needs you just identified? Requests are specific and do-able so that you will follow through with them. When you keep your commitments to yourself, you build security and confidence. Specific requests answer most of these questions:  What? When? Who? Where? How long? How often?

Appreciation/Celebration
of Needs Met

1. Feelings cards: use the color code guide here to identify the groups of feelings that seem present for you. Then, look through each while identifying two to four feelings that are most present for you.

2. Remove following small group of cards from the needs deck and set them aside: Connection, Autonomy, Security, Collaboration, Purpose, Clarity, Appreciation, Health.

   1. Then, notice which of these stand out for you as most relevant to your current situation.

3. Using the Feelings and Needs List, find that needs alive for you and pull out the associated needs in that group.

4. Now share your feelings and needs met by attaching the specific behavior or action that met your needs. For example:  “When I came home and saw that you were making dinner, I felt relieved because you met my need for support.”

Smaller Needs Decks

When using the needs deck, you can pull out smaller decks relevant to specific areas of life.  Here are some possible smaller decks.

Basic Needs Deck

Empathy

Connection

Trust

To be Seen/Heard

Safety

Belonging

Choice

Acceptance

Peace

Clarity

Authenticity

Support

Health

Purpose

Fairness

Reactivity Deck

Safety

Belonging

Support

Collaboration

Authenticity

Intimacy

To be seen/heard

Inclusion

Love

Smaller Feelings Decks

Embarrassed

Jealous

Confused

Regretful

Sad

Concerned

Disappointed

Frustrated

Tired

Disconnected

Hurt

Lonely

Stressed

Anxious

Scared