As a practitioner of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, Nonviolent Communication, meditation, mindfulness and/or other practices more commonly referred to as “spiritual,” you probably have particular ideals regarding how to live and show up from love, presence, kindness, or compassion. When spiritual ideals are serving you, they provide inspiration to live more fully, from the larger Truth behind our everyday lives - to remember the vastness in which any particular moment exists. They may act as an anchor from which you are able to let go of reactivity and be your whole self. Sometimes, however, spiritual ideals get hijacked by inner critic voices. Somewhere in the background you start to form ideas about which experiences or behaviors match your spiritual ideals and which don't. You start defining internal rules about what you are "allowed" to experience or how you are “allowed” to act. The result is a subtle inner shaming each time you have the dis-allowed an experience. Your inner critic starts whispering: "You are failing. You're a fraud."

For example, many meditation practitioners become demotivated and self-critical because they notice that it's difficult, if not impossible, for them to “empty their mind,” and every thought that surfaces during their practice triggers their inner critic telling them they are “no good at meditation.”

Sometimes the shaming can be so unconscious and pervasive that parts of your experience get cast out of conscious awareness and then have to burst to the surface in extreme forms like angry tirades, panic attacks, eating/drinking binges, nightmares, etc.

In reality, spiritual practice requires the whole “you” to be present and accepted, rather than casting out part of your experience. Spiritual growth comes precisely from being present for uncomfortable feelings, needs, impulses, desires, sensations, thoughts, etc. The capacity to consciously notice and allow any aspect of experience frees you to make decisions from your values.

This practice begins with recognition and acceptance: noticing and naming (internally or aloud) your uncomfortable or dis-allowed experience, letting it exist and pass through. Often, recognition and acceptance are sufficient for the uncomfortable or “forbidden” feelings, impulses, thoughts to move through you naturally. Our inner resistance to such experiences (such as not “allowing” ourselves to feel anger) is what tends to give them more force and momentum. 

Allowing an experience might sound like this: "It's okay to feel what I feel right now.” “It's okay that I am reacting right now.” “I can have this impulse and not act on it."

In the meditation example, this might look like an inner acceptance that thoughts are arising, noticing them and letting them drift away, or consciously “shelving” them mentally until later, and bringing attention back again and again to the breathing or other focus of meditation and releasing the self-judgment around “not being any good at meditation.”

When recognition and acceptance don’t seem sufficient for the dis-allowed experience to move through– this may be true especially if you’re starting to change habits of a lifetime– you can offer it conscious attention through self-compassion, self-empathy or by requesting support from an empathic other. 

You might also practice empathizing with your inner critic. Indeed, that internal voice wants the best for you, though its strategies may not serve you. You might try approaching it with care and tenderness, recognizing that it may be fearful of you “going astray” and that it wants you to live in integrity with your values.

As a regular practice to reduce self-shaming (conscious or not), celebration is key. You can celebrate and honor yourself by taking time each day to reflect on all the moments you showed up for what's important to you.

The work in daily life is to make space for both spiritual ideals and difficult experiences without being consumed by either, and instead continuing to step forward with acceptance. In this way you cultivate gentleness and compassion and share that with others.

Practice

This week, identify an ideal you hold. Through journaling, reflection, or sharing with an empathy buddy, check for critical voices comparing you to your ideal and wreaking internal havoc. Notice what the critical voices are saying and what particular feelings, reactions, or behaviors get them talking. Choose one experience to focus on, name it, and allow it in. Notice where it lives in your body, how it feels. Observe it without judgment. Accompany it and see whether it unfolds naturally. If not, approach it with self-compassion or self-empathy (or request support from your empathy buddy).

In parallel, start a daily self-appreciation practice, where you reflect on, write, or record moments of the day where you showed up in integrity with your values and the way you want to live.