Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 3: Honest Expression, see Skill 1: Ask the other person if they are willing to listen before engaging in honest expression, Skill 2: Distinguish neutral observations from other types of thoughts, Skill 3: Use feeling words to express feelings rather than interpretive words, Skill 4: Communicate feelings as connected to needs rather than another’s action, and Skill 5: Identify the difference between universal needs and the strategies to meet them.

Skill 6: When expressing a need, communicate specific doable requests using six aspects of a request

Requests are expressions of strategies we think might help us meet our needs. Often you may think you are making a request when you are actually expressing a need or even a vague wish. You may ask your partner for support by saying, “Can’t you see I’m tired and need some help?” While the speaker in this example is expressing a feeling (tired) and a need (help), there is no direct request and there is a subtle criticism (“Can’t you see…”). Let’s look at three ways to make requests that create connection.

On the deepest level, making a request is asking yourself to take full responsibility for your needs. The attitude of responsibility is partially what distinguishes a request from a demand. When you accept responsibility for your needs rather than resentfully expecting others to meet them in particular ways, you can also accept hearing “no” to a request. “Can’t you see I’m tired and need some help?” implies a sense of expectation on the surface and a longing to be seen underneath. It’s easy to get caught in demand energy when you push yourself to your limits. When, on the other hand, you gain skills about how to meet your needs consistently and in a variety of ways, making requests and hearing “no” gets easier.

Making requests in MCD requires the vulnerability of sharing a feeling or need. For most folks this is difficult. Learning to honor yourself and your needs gives you the confidence to express this vulnerability. When the speaker above says “Can’t you see…”, she is likely attempting to manage the vulnerability she feels in expressing her tiredness and need for help.

A true request in MCD describes a very specific action that’s doable. This means that it is something a camera could record. In our example above the speaker might say, “I’m feeling tired and need help, would you be willing to put the kids to bed tonight?” Here are a couple more examples:

• “Be more supportive” is not a doable request. You might instead say, “When I think about this new job, I feel stressed out and need support. Would you be willing to tell me what you think will go well for me with this job?”

• “Trust me” is not a doable request. You might instead say, “When I hear you say you are not willing to tell me what happened, I feel sad because I want trust in our relationship. Would you be willing to tell me one thing I could do to build trust between us?”

The  six aspects of a request that make it specific and doable are:

1. When? 

2. Where? 

3. Who? 

4. What? 

5. How long? 

6. How often or how much?

PRACTICE

Study the examples below, then provide 3 more of your own.

Vague Wish/Demand: Stop interrupting me! 

Need: Being seen and heard

Specific Doable Request: Would you be willing to listen without speaking for the next 2 minutes while I speak? 

Vague Wish/Demand:  I don’t want advice, can’t you just listen?!

Need: Empathy 

Specific Doable Request: Would you be willing to tell me what you hear is going on for me?

Vague Wish/Demand:  I feel so dismissed when you do that. 

Need: Collaboration

Specific Doable Request: Would you be willing to brainstorm with me now and come up with five ways to resolve this issue? 

Vague Wish/Demand:  I am the one doing this, not you. 

Need: Autonomy

Specific Doable Request: The next time you want to give me advice, would you be willing to ask me if I want it first?