You're with your friend Jane and you hear her talking about Eli, who is not there. You start to feel uncomfortable. You are pretty sure Jane wouldn't be saying these things about Eli if Eli were present. So, you decide to express your discomfort:

You: Um, I don't like to gossip.

Jane: I don't either, I’m just telling you what happened.

And then Jane goes on talking in the same manner, telling you about the details of Eli's divorce.

Gossip, like any behavior, is something people do to meet particular needs. So, as they talk about others, they are expressing their own thoughts, feelings, needs, and potential requests in an indirect way.

When hearing gossip and wishing for more connection you can either silently or aloud make some guesses about the needs alive for the person gossiping. Here are some guesses about needs that someone engaging in gossip may be trying to meet:

Belonging (if I know private information I am in the "in" crowd)

Self-acceptance (if someone else is doing worse than me, I must be okay)

Connection (by talking about someone we both know, we can connect)

Protection (concern that something someone is doing will cost the needs of others)

Stimulation (drama in someone else's life can provide a sense of intensity and aliveness)

Remembering that someone who is gossiping is attempting to meet their needs can help you access compassion when you might feel disconnected.

Interrupting is a key skill in Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, and can be particularly useful in the face of gossip. You can interrupt to connect with either empathy or honest expression.

Interrupting with empathy might sound something like this:

You: Talking about Eli's divorce, I wonder if you feel sad for him?

Jane: Well, I don't know, I mean he brought it on himself. He's the one who-

You: Yea, are you feeling frustrated wishing he had more awareness in his relationship?

Jane: He could have listened to me when I told him to get counseling.

You: So you tried to help?

Jane: Yea, I wish I could have helped more.

Interrupting with honest expression might sound something like this:

You: Jane, hearing the details of Eli's divorce, I notice I feel uncomfortable because I want to hold him in a place of compassion and I can get muddled with details. Would you be willing to share how it affects you rather than passing on the details of his story?

Jane: If I don't tell you the details how will you understand how it affected me?

You: Hmm, if I don’t understand, I can ask a question.

Jane: Oh, just forget it. You make such a big deal out of everything.

You: Yeah, you'd like to just say what you want a say.

Jane: Yeah, can't I just be myself around you?!

You: Are you thinking I'm judging you?

Jane: Aren't you?!

You: I'm really coming from my own needs and that doesn't involve a judgment about you. Would you like me be more clear about where my request comes from?

Jane: Yes.

You: I am really committed to holding others with compassion. And I've noticed that hearing about the details of others' affairs when they are not present has resulted in my own misinterpretations and judgments of that person. So it doesn't help me in keeping my commitment.

Jane: Yeah that happens to me sometimes too. I guess I don't even know why I am talking about it. I guess I am upset about it.

Asking someone to express themselves differently can be tricky business. People sometimes identify their mode of expression as "who they are." As a result, they might interpret your requests as criticism. As in the example above, it can take a few rounds of empathy and honest expression for this perception to loosen and create a space in which mutual care and curiosity arises.

Practice

Take time now to reflect upon a time when you were recently either expressing gossip or participating passively. What feelings and needs were up for you at the time? How might you have interrupted the gossip with connection?