Practice Relationship Repair: Skill 2: Engage an effective strategy for working with the four alarms before beginning repair dialogue

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 10: Relationship Repair, see Skill 1: Distinguish effective repair from common tragic strategies for repair.

Skill 2: Engage an effective strategy for working with the four alarms before beginning repair dialogue

Anger, guilt, shame, and shut down are important alarms. They let you know three things: 

1. You are disconnected from your needs

2. You have a perception that your needs are or will be unmet

3. A specific and predictable kind of thinking is present

These alarm feelings aren't "bad" or invalid. It's important to identify them and feel them. It's equally important not to take action or make decisions based on them because they are a sign of reactivity. That means if you take action from one of these feelings your view will be narrow and likely distorted. You will create more suffering. This can be avoided by getting to know these alarms better. You can start by asking what thoughts, feelings, and needs are behind each of the alarm feelings. Let’s look at these for each of the alarms.

Anger/blame means you are telling yourself that others should or shouldn't be or behave in a certain way.

Anger arises in regard to others or external events. Behind anger there are thoughts that things should be different than they are or someone should behave differently. The word should can lead you quickly to a disconnected state. In the context of recovering from a relationship where your needs were not met, anger can also indicate progress. Anger can be an important indicator that you are beginning to recognize that your needs have been unmet and it is good to stand up for your needs. However, if action is taken from anger, violence and unmet needs will result. Anger, like all feelings, lives along a continuum of intensity. Here is an example, with intensity increasing from left to right:

Discomfort — Discontent — Resistant — Grumpy — Impatient — Irritated — Annoyed –– Frustrated — Defensive — Angry — Furious — Irate — Enraged — Livid

Shut down means you are telling yourself that you should or shouldn't experience a certain feeling, impulse, dream, etc.

Shut down arises in regard to your experience. It is a signal that you are denying or pushing  away experience, including feelings and needs, as they arise in you. You may have some thoughts that you don’t deserve to have your needs met, or that there are certain feelings and needs you shouldn’t have. You may have had training from family, school, and community that gave you the message to deny your own needs in favor of pleasing others or being “strong.” Shut down, like all feelings, lives along a continuum of intensity. Here is an example, with intensity increasing from left to right:

Uncomfortable — Cranky — Conflicted — Disconnected — Listless — Bored — Numb — Shut Down — Depressed

Guilt is a sign that you are telling yourself you should or shouldn't have behaved in a certain way.

Guilt arises when your behavior seems to be or is out of alignment with a value/need of yours. Guilt is often accompanied by thoughts of duty, obligation, and what you should or shouldn’t be doing. For example, “I should have gone with my partner to see their folks.” Guilt, like all feelings, lives along a continuum of intensity. Here is an example, with intensity increasing from left to right.

 Sorry — Contrite —  Remorseful — Culpable — Guilty

Shame means you are telling yourself you should or shouldn't be a certain way.

Shame arises in regard to your identity. It arises when you think that you are not being the person you think you should be or would like to be. Behind shame there are thoughts (often unconscious) that are some version of, “I have been a bad person and deserve punishment.” Taking action out of shame can land you into the violent concept of repentance in which someone else decides how bad you are and doles out a punishment. Shame is often just outside of conscious awareness, and so can be hard to identify. Shame also often stimulates a state of shut down making it difficult to do any self-reflection or reach out for support. Out of shame, you may unconsciously stop asking for what you need and just go along with whatever your partner says. Shame, like all feelings, lives along a continuum of intensity. Here is an example, with intensity increasing from left to right.

Self-Conscious — Embarrassed — Disgusted — Shame

Effective strategies for working with the four alarms include: physical and emotional regulation, engaging the self-empathy process, and receiving empathy from someone outside of the situation before engaging in a repair dialogue.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on the last time you experienced one of the four alarms. With a journal, friend, or counselor, follow these steps when you notice an alarm feeling:

1. Name what happened in neutral observational terms

2. Identify what you are telling yourself about what happened

3. Connect with the feelings and needs underneath the alarm feeling

4. Let yourself mourn the needs that went or are still unmet

5. Decide what action you would like to take to begin to meet needs