When you learn the skills of relationship repair, you can remain equanimous in times of disconnect. You trust that you can find your way back to connection in the face of hurt and anger. Relationship repair builds confidence that your relationships can weather the most difficult of times.

Relationship repair means coming back together after an experience of disconnect and unmet needs, and establishing connection and care. It requires the intention to connect and take responsibility for your behavior by naming what didn’t work, offering empathy, and making a plan to do something differently next time.

Relationship repair is most effective when you attend to reactivity before you begin the dialogue. Repair dialogue is a likely place for blame, shame, and defensiveness. By working with reactivity in specific ways before you initiate repair, you can maintain focus on connection, empathy, and honesty. Repair can then become an opportunity to build trust and to learn how to move forward in new ways.

Read more about relationship repair in a Connection Gem entitled, “How to Engage in a Repair Dialogue.”

Skill 1: Distinguish effective repair from common tragic strategies for repair

When you are engaging in tragic strategies for repair, it is a sign that you are not ready to dialogue with the other person. You likely need empathy from someone outside the situation. You might also benefit from asking someone else to help you guess the other person’s needs relative to the triggering situation.

Practice:

Bring to mind a situation in which repair was not effective. Read through the tragic strategies in the list below and notice if any of these were present in that repair attempt. Next, bring to mind a situation in which you experienced effective repair. Which of the effective strategies for repair were present in that situation?

Tragic Strategies for Repair

• Building a case to prove wrong/right, valid/invalid.

This includes bringing up related past events, comparing to others (eg. Ali and Sam didn’t have this problem).

• Blaming and shaming.

For example, “If you would have been there on time this wouldn’t have happened.”

• Arguing over the details of what happened.

For example, “That’s not what I said!”

• Demanding an apology.

For example, “I won’t talk until you apologize.”

Effective Strategies for Repair

• Begins with the intention to connect and honor each other’s feelings and needs.

• Shared vulnerability is valued and accessed.

For example, “I feel broken hearted because connection is so important to me.”

• There is willingness to give and receive empathy.

For example, “Yeah, I’m hearing you feel despair.”

• Effective accountability requires you to be connected to the needs that went unmet with your behavior and a commitment to do something different in a future similar situation. This means identifying specific doable actions.