Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity, Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies, Skill 3: Shift to empathy, self-empathy, or honesty the moment reactivity is identified, and Skill 4: Name the differences between useful feedback regarding unmet needs, and blame or judgment.

Skill 5: Engage in healing experiences related to tender needs

Here you can find a list of the most common tender needs and a list of potential healing responses:

Support & Nurturing

Affirm support

It’s okay to let it in

You can get what you need

I am here to support you

There is enough

I’m not going anywhere

I am committed to this relationship

Affirm collaboration &  the expression of needs

There is space for your needs

It’s okay to have needs.

You can trust me to be here

Your needs matter

You don’t have to do it alone

You can count on me

Safety & Belonging

Affirm feelings and a positive sense of self

It’s okay to feel what you feel

It’s safe to be vulnerable

You’re  good

There is nothing wrong with you

It’s okay to feel nervous right now

I don’t need you to keep it all together

Affirm safety and belonging

I’m glad you are here

You belong

These folks are really friendly

You’re safe 

You fit in well here

It’s okay to relax, you don’t have to stay vigilant

People like you here

Autonomy & Mutuality 

Affirm Autonomy/choice

This is really a request not a demand

It’s okay to say no, I won’t be upset with you

You are free to be who you are

You can be yourself and still have me

I respect your autonomy

Take all the time you want to decide

Affirm Fairness & Mutuality 

Your needs matter

Let’s make sure it’s right for both of us

I want to hear what you want

Mutuality is important to me

What seems fair to you?

I support your autonomy

Authenticity & Intimacy  

Affirm vulnerability 

I’d be hurting if that happened to me

Most people would find that painful

Yeah, it’s a tender situation

It makes sense that that would be upsetting

Your feelings and needs are welcome here

I won’t betray you

It’s okay to lean on me

You can be close and still be fully you

Offer support for authenticity 

It’s okay to be you

It’s okay to take care of yourself

You can be real with me

You don’t have to please or impress me

It’s okay to disagree

I accept you as you are

Take your time to see what’s really true for you

We can do this together, you don’t have to be in charge

Recognition, Acceptance & Being Seen/Heard

Affirm lovability

You are loveable the way you are

It’s okay to make mistakes

You’re enough

You are worthy

I see your big heart

I know you are doing your best

I enjoy being with you

Offer unconditional recognition

You have my attention without having to do anything

There is nothing you have to do for me to love you 

It’s okay to relax

I am here and I see you

I want to hear and understand you

You don’t have to earn my love

You are included 

Practice

This exercise is meant to be done with a study buddy and focuses particularly on family of origin:

Healing Tender Needs for Family of Origin

For every role in your family there are archetypal behaviors that contribute to a thriving family. There are particular needs or experiences you would hope to have in each of these relationships. For example, the ideal needs met or experiences for you in each relationship might be:

• Yin Parent: care, nurturing, emotional security,

• Yang Parent: protection, seen/heard, discovery, mentoring, leadership, autonomy

• Older Sibling: mentoring, care, play, companionship, protection

• Younger Sibling: meaning, purpose, responsibility, play, companionship

• Grandparents: love, delight, mentoring, care, nurturing, play

• Uncle or Aunt: adventure, challenge, play, mentoring

20 minutes for total exercise → 10 minutes per partner

Round 1: Empathy

Choose a family member &  receive empathy for this relationship 

1. Identify a family of origin member who had a significant impact on you and share this person’s name and the type of relationship (sister, aunt, mother, etc.)

2. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Share about your experience with this family member. Receive empathy guesses from your partner as you do. You could use an empathy guessing structure like this:

• “Would you have wanted a sense of ___________(need)?”

• “Were you longing for____________(need)?”

• “Would you have been nourished to experience/have __________(need)?”

3. After hearing the empathy guesses identify your top two needs— the needs most alive regarding the relationship you chose.

Round 2: The Healing Response

1. Set a timer for 5 minutes.

2. Ask your partner to role play this family member for you and offer healing responses from within their role

Instructions for the person doing the role play and offering the healing response:

• Get in Role: Give yourself over to the role by becoming quiet and focusing on the person whose turn it is while saying internally your role. For example, “I am Maria’s brother, Eduardo.”

• Ground yourself in the needs: Bring to heart the needs your partner would have liked to have met in the relationship you are role playing. 

• Offer healing responses: From your connection to the needs named, speak what comes up all by itself and let yourself express it regardless of whether or not it makes sense to you.

• Fine tuning: Ask how that landed for your partner and if there are any changes you could make to your offering. Offer healing responses again with this feedback.

3. After you hear and see the healing response, notice your experience. Consider these possibilities:

• Perhaps you will be inspired to say something back, or 

• Perhaps you will remain silent

• You may want to make a note of what was offered

• You may want the person to offer it again

• You may want to make an adjustment and ask the person to offer the adjusted response