In any interaction a connected conversation can take a quick turn toward disconnect and reactivity. You suddenly find yourself arguing, defending, or trying to convince the other person that you are right. Being able to ask for a pause in a conversation is one of the most simple and effective ways to interrupt disconnect and reactivity. Calling a pause is a strategy for creating more connection. The pause is allowing you both to slow down and focus on the quality of connection and what will most support it. If calling a pause is used to cut the other person off, promote an agenda, correct the other person's view or memory, criticize, or argue a point; trust and connection will be lost.

The first step in learning to ask for a pause is to establish your desire to prioritize connection when things are going well or when there is only a minor disconnect. Let the other person know that you value staying connected, and that asking for a pause is one way you have of staying present with yourself and them. You might let them know what you do internally during a pause. For example, during a pause you could:

• Let go of the content of the conversation and focus fully on one full inhale and exhale to help with emotional regulation and slowing down.

• Replay internally what you just heard the other person say and attempt to make sense of what they’re saying.

• Internally guess the feelings and needs of the other person.

• Name for yourself any signs of reactivity and identify your intention, thoughts, feelings, and needs.

• Identify an interpretation of the other person’s words and ask for clarity about the accuracy of your interpretation.

Second, reflect upon what might prevent you from calling a pause when you really need one. Here are few things that might make pausing difficult:

• The connection might feel tenuous and you want to try to hold onto the other person with your words.

• You might feel anxious about losing harmony or peace.

• You might think that a quick response gives you power or competence and pushing forward will meet your need to be seen and heard.

• You might be worried you will forget the point you want to make and lose clarity.

• You didn’t catch reactivity early enough and no longer have access to your choice to pause.

Reflect on the last conversation in which you would have liked to call a pause. Notice if any of the above mentioned obstacles were present for you. Making a practice of reflecting on disconnecting conversations and where you might have needed a pause is something that will support you in being able to pause in a critical moment.

Third, at any moment in a conversation, give yourself permission to turn your focus inward and check the quality of connection and presence. Notice if the quality of connection is satisfying and enjoyable. If not, call a pause. This shuttling back and forth between what the other says and noticing the quality of connection, requires a broadening of focus beyond the content of the conversation. In addition to focusing internally, you could also more consciously notice the other person’s facial expression and body posture. 

 Lastly, learn a variety of ways to call a pause. Here are a few examples:

• Pause, I need to pause.

• Hmm, give me a minute to take in what you said.

• Hang on, I need a moment to process that.

• Can we come back to that in a few minutes?

• Just a sec, let me see if I got what you said.

• Can you pause for a minute?  I am losing track of what you're saying and I really want to understand.

• I notice I am speeding up, can we pause for a moment?

In close relationships, it's helpful to create a reliable visual signal for a pause that you can both use and receive easily. Here are a few examples: closing your eyes, putting your hand on your heart, putting your hand on your head, raising your hand, or a gentle touch.

Practice

This week, at the end of each day, review your interactions. Notice those in which you were able to stay mindful and centered and what contributed to that. Notice those in which you lost track of yourself and/or the connection. What interfered with your sense of connection and your ability to call a pause and reconnect?