Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 8: Life-Serving Boundaries, see Skill 1: When saying “no” to someone’s request, identify the needs to which you are saying “yes”, Skill 2: Identify 3 types of useful boundaries, Skill 3: Articulate 3 non-negotiable boundaries that you hold in any relationship, and Skill 4: Identify current limiting beliefs that interfere with boundary setting and the expansive beliefs that will support boundary setting.

Part of cultivating the skill of Life-Serving Boundaries means setting yourself up for success. This means engaging in environments and relationships that offer support and respect for your boundaries, and leaving or changing the ones that don’t. To do this you want to be able to recognize a boundary crossing when it happens. This includes recognizing relevant body sensations, thoughts, impulses, energy, and feelings that are telling you a boundary is being crossed.

You can find a Connection Gem on boundary violations here.

Skill 5: Identify the signs and symptoms of behavior in yourself or others that don’t support boundaries

Here are some possibilities for both signs and symptoms of behavior in yourself and others that likely don’t support boundaries:

In others:

• Any form of attempting to convince others of a view or decision

• Expressions of judgment, criticism, or praise

• Gaslighting

• Saying one thing and doing another

• Lack of willingness to make explicit agreements about how interactions are held and engaged in

• Engaging in behavior that directly affects others without obtaining clear consent and agreement

In yourself:

• Insisting that a particular need can only be met with a particular strategy or person

• Letting any need go unnourished for extended periods of time and then noticing desperation around meeting that need

• Unwillingness to receive feedback about any particular decision or behavior

• Unmanaged anger or desperation

• Thoughts or words that rigidly insist that there is one way to do something

• Thoughts or words that insist that others should already know how to care for your needs or the needs of others

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect upon a situation in which you didn’t maintain your boundaries. Were any  items from the list above present? What else do you notice about what was present in your experience at that time?

Now reflect on the moment when someone crossed a boundary of yours. We're any of the items from the list above present? What else was happening immediately before or during that event?