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Practice Managing Reactivity: Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies

Wise Heart

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 6: Managing Reactivity, see Skill 1: Engage an “anchor” or any regulation strategy when you notice reactivity.

Skill 2: Identify at least three interpersonal de-escalation strategies

  1. The following phrases and invitations can help de-escalate reactivity:

    • I want to stay connected. Let’s pause to anchor.

    • I want to hear you clearly. Could you say that in a different way?

    • I’m getting lost. Could you tell me when and where this happened?

    • Pause. May I guess your feelings and needs?

    • I’m scared about getting disconnected. Can we slow down and say one thing at a time?

    • I keep hearing criticism. Could you say your needs?

    • So are you feeling _____ because you need _____?

  2. Acknowledge big feelings rather than consoling or minimizing: “It was so painful...”  “Sounds like you were terrified…”  “Are you feeling brokenhearted?”

  3. Offer reassurance. Here are some possible phrases for reassurance:

    • I want you to know that my intention is to connect.

    • I know you love me. I just want to understand what was happening for you when you did that.

    • I know you are a good person with good intentions.

    • I accept you as you are and believe you have good intentions.

    • I want it to work better for both of us next time.

    • Your needs matter.

    • I trust we can find our way through this.

  4. Create a nonverbal signal for a pause to engage your anchor. Possible signals:  

    • Hands on heart

    • Closing eyes

    • Hand on top of the head

    • Prayer hands at the chest

    • Rubbing your thighs

    • Tapping the top of the sternum

Practice

Identify a specific relationship in which you would like to be able to manage reactivity more effectively. Choose one of the phrases or actions above. Let them know that the next time you experience reactivity or disconnect you would like to try something new. Tell them the phrase or action you would like to use and ask if they would be willing to try it out next time.