Speaking harshly to yourself takes its toll on you. Harsh self-criticism or inner "shoulds" can leave you feeling depressed and disconnected, with the impulse to withdraw or lash out— or both. As you engage in mindfulness and meditation practice, you might notice layers and layers of harsh internal language. You might wonder if meditation is making it worse; it may certainly seem that way.

Becoming aware of harsh internal language is an important first step in transforming this habit pattern. However, it can be quite painful and exasperating to see a source of suffering without yet having a way out. At this stage, it's easy to doubt that becoming more aware of your inner experience is helpful. Hanging in there with yourself during this stage is well worth the freedom and relief that eventually comes when you access agency regarding how you speak to yourself.

As you walk this journey of transforming harsh internal language, three things are essential to remember:

1. How you speak to yourself is a habit.

2. Hidden under harsh language are universal needs.

3. Harsh internal language is a form of reactivity.

1. How you speak to yourself is a habit.

Like any habit, the more you can interrupt it and do something else, the less hold it has on you. The tricky thing is that, unlike physical habits, internal narratives have the power of language and thus, the illusion of meaning. A focused and attentive mind is needed to avoid the trap of noticing the harsh internal language and then believing it, arguing with it, or trying to appease it. Because clarity and concentration is needed, the practice of interrupting harsh internal language and replacing it with a supportive internal habit is best done during meditation. It is usually most effective to replace verbal habits with something else verbal like a mantra or a song or a memory of something someone said to you.

2. Hidden under harsh language are universal needs.

The second thing to remember is that everything you ever do is a strategy to nourish your needs or, in other words, to engage authentically with the flow of aliveness. Harsh internal language is an example of a tragic strategy in that it doesn't effectively meet needs or bring you into connection with life. Nevertheless, it arises from the wholesome impulse to move towards life. If you are able to detach enough from the literal meaning of those harsh words, you have space to tend to the aliveness underneath. This means getting connected to the specific universal need under each bit of harsh self-speak. Empathy from another is helpful for identifying these needs. Often, just naming the universal need brings a sense of relief through self-connection.  

Next, with mindful contemplation of those needs you will commonly find that they aren't actually threatened or unmet. It is often the misperception of threat that triggers an onslaught of harsh internal language. If a particular need is truly unmet, you are free to engage with effective strategies to tend to that need.  

With practice, you will likely find that the same two or three universal needs appear again and again. Having "translated" your harsh inner dialogue into universal needs, you are less likely to be caught by the content of this narrative. You will more easily and quickly move your attention to the needs themselves, which enables you to choose a skillful response.

3. Harsh internal language is a form of reactivity.

Lastly, it is essential to remember that harsh internal language is a form of reactivity, and reactivity escalates in the absence of physio-social-emotional regulation. In other words, consistent self-care in physical, social, and emotional realms helps to prevent reactivity. Physically, you likely have a clear sense of how to maintain consistent well-being through healthy food, supportive exercise, and sufficient sleep. Social self-care means having daily interactions with others that are supportive. This might include a simple exchange of greetings, a wave and smile to your neighbor, or small talk on the train to work. Emotional self-care means receiving and offering empathy, encouragement, acknowledgment, and appreciation as a regular part of each day.

With patience, perseverance, and practice you can cultivate internal language that is clear and supportive.

Practice

Take a moment now to translate one harsh thing you have said to yourself into the feelings and needs it is attempting to bring to your attention.