Facing criticism can be painful and overwhelming and your initial reaction might be to fight it, collapse, or shut down. Reactions like these block what could be an opportunity to gain clarity and collaboration in your relationship with the other person. Someone who expresses criticism is attempting to share their feelings and needs, however ineffective it might be. 

Ann, a student in one of my classes, described a family dinner in which her mother said something like, "People who voted for …. are idiots." Everyone at the table was aware that only Ann had voted for the person named. We engaged in a role play for her to connect with her mom around this.

It was easy for Ann to identify a number of "don't" requests: Don't criticize my views. Don't talk about politics at the dinner table. Don't judge me. Don't point me out in front of the family.

Vague invitations were also suggested: Be more considerate. Think how I might feel when you say that. Respect my views.

None of these are do-able requests. An effective request refers to the underlying need you want to meet and contains an action that is specific and doable.

In the end, Ann came up with something like this: "Mom, when you said, people who voted for … are idiots, at dinner last night, I felt hurt and disappointed because I want connection and consideration. Would you be willing to say what issues you disagree with when we talk about politics rather than labeling the voters?"

Ann could have also used a connecting request: "Mom, when you said, people who voted for … are idiots, at dinner last night, I felt hurt and disappointed because I want connection. Would you be willing to tell me what was going on for you when you said that? OR Would you be willing to tell me what you are hearing me say?"

PRACTICE

Think about three "don't" or vague requests you have heard yourself express recently. Write down a specific and doable request for each. Keep in mind the guidelines below for an effective request:

• Requests are immediately preceded by a universal need.

• Requests are doable: they are something that someone can do. This means that they are something a camera could record: visual, auditory, or both. "Be more supportive." "Be easier on myself," "Trust me," are not doable requests. Doable requests answer most of the following questions: What? When? Where? Who? How long? How often?

• Requests are something the other person can say "no" to without fear of punishment, withdrawal of affection, guilt tripping, or judgment. That is, they are not demands.