Hearing another speak self-critically is difficult. You may feel sad because you care for their well-being. You may feel anxious because you want connection and know that the more self-critical someone is the more difficult it is to connect. You might also feel disappointed because you are looking for fun and play. Let's look at a few ways to respond to someone who is expressing self-criticism.

1. Redirect attention

The most common response to another's self-criticism is to redirect their attention. These directives sound like: "Don't be so hard on yourself." "Be kind to yourself." "It's normal to make that mistake." "It's no big deal."  These responses can all be helpful when the self-criticism has only a light grasp on the person.

2. Honest expression

At other times, you can offer your own honest expression and make a request. For example, "Hearing you say that about yourself, I feel sad because I care about you. Would you be willing to say the feelings and needs that are behind those self-judgments?" Or, "Hearing you say that about yourself, I feel anxious, because I want to celebrate. Would you be willing to name three things you feel proud of in that situation?"

3. Offer empathy

You can also offer empathy when you hear another’s self-criticism. Remembering that all judgments are an expression of feelings and needs, you can make a guess about the feelings and needs behind the self-criticism. For example, when someone says something like, "I should have known better. How could I have been so blind?!" You might offer in response, "Yeah, you really value being clear about this kind of thing and feel frustrated that you couldn't get that clarity. Is that it?"

4. Honest expression when empathy isn’t received

Oftentimes someone can move past self-criticism with a few empathy guesses. But sometimes the pattern of self-criticism is so strong that the guesses seem to bounce off an invisible wall. If you notice this happening, you can return to honest expression and address this directly. For example, "I'm feeling frustrated because I want to connect. Can you pause for a minute and notice if any of the guesses I have made really match your experience?"

If the other person is then able to name a feeling and need that resonates, you can help the process continue by asking how they would like to meet the needs behind the self-criticism. For example, "Okay, I am hearing you really need clarity in situations like these and it can be hard to access. What would you like to do differently or ask for, that you think would help you get clarity in a future similar situation?"

5. Allow grief

Another intervention that can help break the pattern of self-criticism is to make space for grief. Often self-criticism is a strategy for avoiding the feeling of grief. When you are connected with your heart and the flow of met and unmet needs, you will find that grief and sadness are a natural and frequent part of daily life. 

Using the example above, you might make space for grief for the other person by saying something like, "Because you didn't have the clarity you needed in that situation, I'm guessing you feel grief over the loss of all kinds of needs that might have been met— maybe like competence, ease, or support. Is that right?"

The best thing another can do is express self-criticism out loud so that it can be transformed.  When self-criticism is internal and unconscious, it creates disconnect, depression, and irritability. You can support someone momentarily caught in self-criticism by welcoming the self-critical voices out into the open where they can serve as a doorway to the heart.

Practice

This week, practice meeting self-criticism as an opportunity to connect with feelings and needs, by offering empathy or honest expression.