You arrive late for a date with your friend or partner. They express their disappointment and need for predictability and ask you to call or text next time you are going to be late.

You bristle. You see their face and how upset they are and start to defend yourself. At the speed of light you perceive a threat and imagine that they are judging you. You have an undeniable urge to defend yourself.

Under the influence of defensiveness, you minimize their feelings and needs and make a case for blamelessness. It might sound like this, "I arrive late one time and you get all upset. You should be glad I made it. I always call when I am late, which is rare, and this one time you have to make an issue of it!"

Now the other person becomes reactive and begins to recount all the times you were late and recounts how difficult it has been dealing with your issues about being on time.

The conversation escalates into more disconnect from there. This common downward spiral of reactivity is exhausting and painful, but not necessarily hard to interrupt.

Here are three keys to hearing unmet needs without igniting reactivity: 

1.  Connect with Yourself First:    Every time you feel the impulse to defend, you can connect with yourself in one or more of the following ways:

• Repeat a reminder phrase to yourself. Here are some possibilities:

• I'm not a bad person because this person is upset.

• We can repair this. This doesn’t have to be a threat.

• It's okay for this person to be upset.

• I can hear their unmet needs without blame and shame.

• I am feeling defensive and want to remind myself that I know my intentions are good and I am a good person.

• Do something physical to interrupt your defensive pattern like lean back in your chair, take three deep breaths, or take a bathroom break.

• Put your awareness in your heart. You can put your hand on your heart and just acknowledge the difficulty and the longing to be seen and accepted. Breathe through your heart and feel your hand there.

2.  Stay Specific and Now: Only talk about the current situation. If you think you are already doing what they are asking, then ask if they can be more specific about their request. For example, "When I think that I already did what you requested, I feel confused and need more clarity. Can you tell me exactly what it would look like if your need was met?"

3.  Offer Empathy: Reflect their feelings and needs. This not only helps meet their need to be heard, but also can help you move out of right/wrong thinking. It’s especially important in this context to connect their feeling to their need, e.g., "I hear you feel disappointed because you need predictability,” rather than, "I hear you feel disappointed because I let you down."

Attempts at empathy that are actually a form of enmeshment are common. You might not meet someone’s need, but that doesn’t make you responsible for how they react. Feelings and reactions arise from a complexity of causes like perception, history, habit, context, etc. Phrases such as,"You feel disappointed because I didn't call," might create connection in the moment, but they also perpetuate the idea they you are responsible for another’s feelings. When this happens you miss out on the opportunity to hear fully another’s needs and get curious about what would be a contribution to those needs.

Practice

This week, notice when you have the impulse to defend by explaining, justifying, minimizing, or building a case. Choose one or more of the practice steps listed above and set your intention to engage that step the next time you notice defensiveness.