The words “thank you” can mean so much, and yet, like other well-intended expressions, they can be misused— such as when we insist on a child saying thank you when it is not genuine. In a broader perspective, through cultural conditioning, offering appreciation has suffered a similar fate. Rather than being a celebration of needs met it is often used as part of a system of reward and punishment. This in turn, can engender a distrust of appreciation. 

Appreciation also gets confused with praise. You might have noticed this in your own expressions of celebration. For example, when you have wanted to offer appreciation you might have found yourself saying things like: “That was amazing!” or, “You’re such a great cook!” Typically you will find that praise generates unsatisfying responses like: “No, it was nothing,” or, “No, I’m not,” and a feeling of disappointment that your appreciation was not heard and received in the way you hoped.

From the consciousness of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD), appreciation and gratitude can be expressed in a specific way that helps with connection. This practice can be extraordinarily powerful. It lays the foundation for collaborative and vibrant relationships. It enables us to become more aware of what contributes to life, and even allows our brains to shift away from a habitual negative bias.

Offering appreciation and gratitude in MCD isn't about telling someone how “great” they are or evaluating your experience as “wonderful,” “super,” or “excellent,” etc. Rather, it's about sharing your personal experience of it and what it means to you. Saying “thank you” is about revealing your heart and offering others the gift of knowing what contributes to your life. It's a form of honest expression that identifies specific actions or behaviors and the needs they meet.

Here’s an example of how going beyond a simple “thank you” changed not only my own experience, but also allowed the other person to enter into the celebration.

My partner and I were once stranded on the interstate about two hours from home with a broken-down car, our dog, and our cat. A man stopped to see if he could help. He offered a ride for the four of us, his home to make phone calls, and took us to a rental car outlet. I said “thank you” several times. When we were saying goodbye, I expressed an MCD “thank you” by saying: "Your help today has inspired my faith in humanity." He lit up and took it in, saying it was one of the best things he had ever heard. My expression had helped him to connect with his own need to contribute to life in a meaningful way.

When you're feeling happy or grateful about something someone did, you can express a more connecting “thank you” by taking a moment to reflect on your experience. What precisely was the impact on you? Or, you can ask yourself what needs were met for you? For example, if you attended a presentation that you enjoyed, you might say to the presenter:

"Thank you for your presentation. Your story about your grandmother helped me to understand my own family. I feel relieved having that clarity."

Notice that this is just three short sentences. Only a few words are needed to reveal your experience in this more subtle way. By doing so, you are offering the other person clarity about how they contributed, as well as making the appreciation easier to take in by excluding praise.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, said that after basic physical needs are met, the two most important human needs are meaningful contribution to life and autonomy.

When you say “thank you” by naming specifically what someone did and what needs it met for you, you are helping them meet their need for contribution as well as celebrating with gratitude. In addition, you are retraining your brain to more often notice what works, thus enabling more thriving relationships with yourself and others.

Practice

Set aside some time each day for a set period of time (1 week, 1 month…) and write down 5 to 10 things you valued about your day, identifying the specific moments / actions and the needs that were met. If journaling doesn't appeal, quiet reflection, speaking out loud or sharing with a practice buddy can work just as well. This is a good time to include self-appreciation in your practice: celebrating choices you yourself made that met needs, too. 

Next, look over your list and choose one or more persons who contributed to meeting your needs on that day whom you'd enjoy expressing appreciation to. When you do, remember to name the specific action or words as well as the needs you are celebrating.

In your daily life, the next time you want to express gratitude and appreciation, let the other person know what needs of yours were met and specifically what they did or said that contributed to that. If you catch yourself starting with an automatic “thank you” or a positive judgment, it's not too late! You can clarify by adding your MCD-style expression of appreciation.