You have likely experienced the confusion and discomfort of receiving mixed messages from someone in a given interaction. Your needs for trust, honesty, and clarity are unmet in that interaction or perhaps multiple interactions. 

In a previous Connection Gem, we talked about discerning the difference between “being charmed” and true caring. Noting incongruencies is one way to detect that someone is attempting to meet their needs for acceptance through being charming. Once you notice such incongruency, how do you communicate about that when you would like to meet those needs for trust, honesty, and clarity. Let’s look at two approaches: stating observations and offering reassurance.

 

Stating observations

When you first detect an incongruency, you might feel uncomfortable and not know exactly what is stimulating confusion for you. Use this discomfort as a cue to become more curious and observant about what’s happening in the moment. If you are able to observe closely, you will be able to find two specific observations that point to incongruency.

Here a set of ten paired observation that reveal incongruency and ways you might communicate about it:

1. Emotion and facial expression: They say they are relaxed, but you see tension around the eyes or mouth.

 

• I hear you say you feel relaxed and, at the same time, I perceive tension in your face. I would like to understand what’s going on for you. Do you want to say something about the tension? 

 

2. Words and body language: They say they want to stay, but their feet are pointing towards the exit. Or, they say they are happy to see you as they look away.

 

• I hear you say you want to stay and I see your body pointed towards the door. Are you feeling torn about staying or going? 

 

3. Self-description and action: They are telling you what a great listener they are, but each time you speak they interrupt to share something about themselves.

 

• I hear you say you want to listen. What helps me have a sense of being heard is if you ask me questions about what I have shared. Would you be willing to ask me some questions?

 

4. Commitment and follow-through: They enthusiastically agree to do something, but then it doesn’t happen or it happens when it is no longer relevant for you.

 

• When I remember you saying you would do it and I notice I receive it when I can no longer use it, I feel disappointed because I want clarity about what works for you and reliability with our agreements. Would you be willing to share what happened for you between the time you agreed to do it and now?

 

5. Opposite messages: They are praising you in one moment and implying you are at fault in the next.

 

• I hear you saying things about me and it’s not helping me connect. Is there something about your experience you would like me to understand?

 

6. Intention and impact: They claim they are supporting you as they engage in an analysis of what’s wrong with you.

 

• What you're saying isn’t working for me. I am going to take a break and take the dog for a walk.

 

7. Verbal expression and body expression. They say yes to your request, while slightly shaking their head no. They say they respect your boundaries while engaging in non consensual touch.

 

• You shook your head when you said yes. I feel confused and value authenticity. Would you be willing to take a moment and see what's true for you.

 

• For me, respecting boundaries means asking before you make physical contact.

 

8. Agreement and anger: They indicate they agree with you and you see a flash of their canine tooth. This one may seem bizarre, but once you start looking for it, you will see that it occurs regularly and unconsciously.

 

• I hear you say you agree and at the same time I see an expression on your face that I perceive as anger or resentment. Would you be willing to talk about it for a few minutes more and find an agreement that truly works for both of us?

 

9. Sudden changes in emotion: in one moment they are joking and laughing in the next they are complaining and angry.

 

• When I see you laugh in one moment and say you are angry in the next, I feel confused about what’s happening for you and would like to understand. Would you be willing to share what’s up for you right now?

 

10. Conditional kindness: You observe the other person behaving in ways you consider kind with one person and what you consider mean or disrespectful with another.

 

• I feel concerned when I notice how differently you just treated those two people. It would help me to build trust to understand what was going on for you there. Are you willing to share?

 

Reassurance 

If you recognize incongruency as a sign of possible inner conflict for the other person, you can offer reassurance that their authenticity and autonomy is welcome and supported. Such reassurance might include making time and space for that person to find what is authentic for them. When someone sends mixed messages there’s a good chance that they are not in touch with what is really true for them.

 Offering reassurance with regard to welcoming authenticity and autonomy could sound and look a lot of different ways. Here are a few examples:

 

• That was a quick answer. Take your time and think about what will really work for you. I will check back later.

 

• This could look a lot of different ways. I’d like to find something that works for both of us.

 

• I respect your choice. This is not a demand just an invitation.

 

• Your authenticity is a gift for me.

 

• You don’t have to be a certain way with me. Come as you are.

 

• You don’t have to have the answers right now.

 

• There is no right answer, what’s true for you is what I care about hearing.

 

• Our friendship isn’t threatened by you saying no.

  

When you perceive incongruence or deception of some type,  it might be easy to judge the other person as manipulative or dishonest. You likely make these judgments to help yourself set a boundary.  Boundaries can be set and clarity can be sought out without making judgments. You can feel and express compassion for the other person and their own struggle without taking responsibility for that struggle. Focusing on your own needs for clarity and understanding helps. When someone's behavior is incongruent they are struggling to value and communicate about their own needs.  You don't have to help them with this struggle and in fact when you maintain your own boundaries, you will find that compassion arises naturally.