Any time you are relating to someone from a position of earned authority, there is a possibility that they will project their ideals, fears, hopes, and confusion onto you. In such a projection, this person may give you authority that you have not earned. For example, even though you are their mental health therapist, they ask for and give weight to your opinion about whether or not they should buy a house. Unaware of the extent of their projection, you might share your opinion about buying houses. The responsibility for this undue influence lies with you, whether or not you are aware or unaware of their projection. It is up to you to monitor your influence via words, body language, behavior, and facial expressions.

Having integrity and skillfulness with a position of earned authority means understanding the extent of your influence and taking responsibility to dissolve projections from the other person as much as you can. As a teacher, therapist, mentor, priest, parent, boss or simply someone who is a few years farther along a given path, you may have already had painful lessons about the suffering that unmanaged projections can create. 

Hopefully, you can maintain compassion for yourself knowing that this is a complex relationship dynamic that may collude with your own unresolved personal issues. For example, you may have mastery or confidence regarding the expertise you offer, but still lack confidence in other areas of your profession like maintaining a private practice, taking client notes, or managing technology. As you grapple with your own insecurities, it might be hard to imagine how thoroughly someone can still project their ideals upon you and give up their power to you. You might easily underestimate the extent of inadvertent influence you carry. 

Here are a few things to track as you attempt to understand how much undue influence you may have in a given relationship:

• They ask for your advice about topics outside of your sphere of earned authority.

• They are attentive to nonverbal signs of approval or disapproval and quickly adjust or give up what’s authentic for them relative to what they perceive from you.

• They frequently cross boundaries that you have implicitly or explicitly set.

• They report feeling self-conscious or nervous in your presence.

• They say they can’t think clearly or they forget their ideas when they are with you.

• Emotional reactions, whether positive or negative, don’t make sense to you relative to the situation at hand.

• They make a sudden big life decision based on their perception of your opinion or what you have done in your own life.

• You notice they mimic you in words, dress, or decisions.

• They accuse you of thoughts and words that you don’t have or express.

Once you realize that you have undue influence, what can you do? Let’s look at the areas of life-serving boundaries and shared humanity. 

LIFE-SERVING BOUNDARIES

Understanding the dynamics of boundary setting for relationships in which you have earned authority is a vast and complex endeavor. In this venue, I will speak to only three aspects: 

1. What is shared: content and environment

2. Contact and access

3. Role reversals

What is shared: content and environment

Depending on the specific type of relationship, it might be more or less obvious where to draw lines around what is shared and in what physical environments you allow interaction. In any relationship, you can get clarity about what needs each of you hope to meet when you come together. Relating from a position of earned authority, means taking the lead in making this clear. It also means asking yourself what type of interaction truly supports those needs. For example, while it might be convenient to work with this person in your home, you recognize that inviting someone into your home invites a layer of connection that may not support focus on the needs at hand.

Contact and access

Setting  up interactions at a specific place, time, duration, frequency and through a specific means is essential for setting a boundary that supports clarity, predictability, and trust. In other words, you have an agreement about who is accessible, by what means, when, where, how long, and how often. For example, you might choose to meet with this person only at public venues once on Mondays for ninety minutes or less. Maintaining structural boundaries means managing emotions like anxiety, urgency, and irritation rather than communicating in a heated moment. 

Role reversals

When someone looks up to you and consistently offers praise or adulation, you might be tempted to consider that person a friend. Friendships, however, are reciprocal relationships. If you have a friend that relies on your expertise at times, you also rely on theirs. Any projections that occur can be easily cleared between you. In friendships, there is also an equivalent ability to hold what is shared in that friendship. For example, if you are a rock climber who is about to do a 5.10 lead climb, you wouldn’t ask someone who is a first time climber to belay you. The same is true in the realms of emotional maturity, spiritual wisdom, and mental complexity. Though someone who looks up to you might be eager and willing to hold something for you in one of these realms, it doesn’t mean they have the ability. It could be confusing and harmful for them long term relative to the needs for agency, autonomy, trust, and clarity. They are relying on you to say no to what is not in their best interest.

SHARED HUMANITY 

Shared humanity within the confines of life-serving boundaries also helps to manage and dissolve projections. Let them see your humanity in a conscious and intentional way that speaks directly to the inaccuracy of their projections. You can reveal insecurities, weaknesses, or mistakes without asking them to do emotional holding for you. By clarifying what you are not, what you really have to offer comes into focus. You can also name a projection when you see it and provide relevant information about what is actually true.

If you wish for a truly reciprocal friendship, then shared vulnerability is essential. This means receiving as often as you give and relying on their strengths and skills as much as they rely on yours. For friendship, this usually means interacting in a variety of ways and contexts which provides for opportunities to give and receive mutually over time.

Standing in the position of earned authority can be received as a precious opportunity to enter into a subtle contribution to someone’s connection to their own agency, authenticity, and sense of self-trust while supporting their ability to learn and transform from what you have to offer.

Practice

Who looks up to you as someone in a position of earned authority? Checking in with the following areas choose one in which you would like to gain more awareness:

• Delineate the extent and limits of your own authority in a given relationship

• Identify ways you might inadvertently influence someone who looks up to you

• Identify the signs that someone is projecting upon you

• Check in with the boundaries you have set either implicitly or explicitly in given relationship, relative to these three aspects: 

  • What is shared: content and environment

  • Contact and access

  • Role reversals

• How have you or would you like to access shared humanity to dissolve projections?