As long as you admire someone from a distance, there is a warm feeling, a resonant sense of values, and perhaps a desire to embody qualities or skills you see in them. But something else may intrude upon this when you meet them in person. You might suddenly feel self-conscious, tense, and have a sense of intimidation. What happens here? Where does that warm feeling go in the moment you are face to face with this person you admire? And, what happens for them in that moment? Let’s look at a few key distinctions and strategies for staying grounded on both sides of the interaction.

If you are in the position of admiring the other person and losing a sense of groundedness, checking in with self-compassion, the boundaries of the relationship, and anchoring in your strengths is helpful.

Begin with self-compassion. Admiring someone from a distance lends itself to seeing that person in an idealized way. They might represent your own aspirations and values. Or, they might represent a standard that you compare yourself to or are inspired by.  As you anticipate meeting this person, there might be vague thoughts in the back of your mind about being worthy of their attention and acceptance. You might feel insecure about being able to contribute something of value. Along with insecurity there might be excitement about what you will experience and discover in the connection with them.

Being face to face with this person brings all this forward in an instant. It’s a lot to be with in the moment. It makes sense that you might be thrown off of your seat and scramble to stay grounded. Later, when you reflect on the experience, a need for mourning might arise. Not being fully self-connected, you realize that you missed out on the full experience of being with that person. Perhap needs for collaboration, contribution, being seen, and celebration were not met in the way you had hoped they would be.

As you prepare for your next encounter with this person, identifying boundaries and anchoring are important. Identifying the boundaries of your relationship with the other person can help you stay grounded. Knowing what needs you would like to meet in the relationship and what needs the other person hopes to meet provides a container for the relationship. This helps focus your energy in the present moment and on what’s real between the two of you.

Anchoring in your own strengths and reminding yourself of who you are dissolves projection and helps with grounding. Your life is completely unique and as such you bring your own wisdom, strengths, and skills. Remind yourself of what you bring and how it has served you and others. When you occupy the truth of your own greatness, the light shines through you and you begin to see the other person for who they are as well.

Just as you have admired others, you have also received praise and admiration yourself. Understanding both sides of this interaction helps dissolve projections on either side of this dynamic.

 ln a given moment, if you are in the position of receiving admiration and possibly hearing from the other person that they feel intimidated by you, you will stay more grounded when you can hear them with curiosity and empathy, ask questions and offer empathy guesses.*

When someone tells you that they admire you it is a form of honest expression. In other words, they are telling you that something you have done has contributed to them. They are attempting to celebrate. The less specific the admiration is the more difficult it may be for you to stay grounded. Vague admiration or praise is more likely to hook the ego and stimulate ideas of being better than which are often quickly followed by inner admonitions of humility or memories of times you didn’t live up to the image the other person is projecting upon you. This inner conflict triggers tension and disconnection. You might be tempted to tell a story about mistakes you’ve made to move away from the discomfort of your inner conflict. In this case, the other person is not seen and heard for the celebration they are expressing.

Offering curiosity and simple empathy guesses can help you stay grounded in yourself and connected to the other person. Here are some possibilities:

• Is there something specific you are thinking about right now when you say that?

• You really value this work, huh?

• Sounds like I have contributed to you?

• You value what you’ve learned?

• There’s something that resonates with you about what I offer?

• It’s been big, huh?

• Yeah, I am hearing our work together changed your life. It’s a profound shift?

• Feeling grateful?

• Is there something in particular that I’ve done that you are appreciating?

When you can stay focused on the other person’s celebration you contribute to their needs for celebration and being seen and heard and your own needs for meaning and purpose. This gives you an opportunity to remain grounded, neither praise nor blame moves you away from the truth of your unconditional self-worth.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a relationship in which admiration is exchanged in one direction or both. Identify one specific request you would like to make of yourself to stay grounded next time.

*Dissolving projections through boundaries and shared vulnerability is a larger topic that will be addressed in a future Connection Gem.