There are a few core needs* that are most often associated with reactivity. Learning how to honor and care for these needs will bring you a greater sense of connection and peace within yourself and with others. Autonomy or choice is one of those core needs. According to Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, it is also one of the most important human needs.

Subtle care and attention regarding autonomy is needed for thriving relationships. There are many layers to consider when understanding autonomy and how to create and support a positive relationship to it. For today, let’s first get grounded in a supportive view of autonomy, then let’s look at some concrete changes you can make for honoring choice in yourself and others.

With any need, it’s important to remember that reactivity fundamentally arises from an insecure relationship to that need rather than an external stimulus. This is also true for autonomy. For example, imagine your partner or close friend says, “Please come. I would love to have you there.” If you feel insecure or disconnected from your ability to choose in that moment, you will perceive this as a demand or a form of pressure. On the other hand, if you feel confident that you can care for the connection with the other person and still choose what’s right for you, you will hear an invitation and perhaps your need for inclusion and acceptance will be met when you hear this.

For most, this kind of confidence that you can choose what’s right for you is not a given. For example, you have likely had formative experiences in which you couldn’t authentically express your choice and still feel confident that needs for safety, belonging, harmony, connection or acceptance would be met. The idea that all needs can be honored without obligation, pressure, or ideas of deserve is revolutionary. In our Wise Heart community, we are attempting to cultivate a consciousness that trusts a particular quality of connection which opens the doors to creative and flexible negotiation and distribution of resources so that all involved are considered. Supporting connection to choice is an essential aspect of this endeavor.

A supportive view of autonomy then is to understand that respecting another’s choice is one of the most important things you can do in any relationship. The moment you imagine it is your right or duty to choose for someone or pressure them into making a particular choice, you have initiated a reactive dynamic and thereby severely limited access to creativity, collaboration, and flexibility.

Being deeply grounded in respect for another’s autonomy requires courage. You need courage to face the possibility that they will choose in a way that doesn’t meet needs for themselves and others. You need courage to grieve and, perhaps, set boundaries when this happens. You also need the confidence that you can remain self-connected in the face of choices, views, styles of interaction, beliefs, or ideas that are radically different from your own.

This is a lot to ask of yourself. So it makes sense that in a given moment you imagine that pressuring someone to think or do something your way will be easier. And, in that moment, it might be. Long term, though, not supporting someone’s choice has a high cost. A few of these costs include: toxic resentment, enmeshment, loss of authenticity, loss of interest and discovery, loss of collaboration and support, and a loss of enlivening connection (for intimate partnerships this is called “falling out of love”).

Let’s look at three practical ways to support a confident relationship to autonomy in both yourself and others.

1. Use language that acknowledges choice

One simple thing to become mindful of and change are disempowering forms of language. Our language is rife with phrases that deny choice. Here are a few examples:

• "I have to.”

• "Those are the rules.”

• "It's an obligation.”

• "This is a mandatory policy.”

• "I have no choice.”

• "It's your duty.”

• "That's just the way it is.”

• "That's just the way I am.”

• "I can't help it.”

• "You made me . . . “

• "Those are my orders."

The simple act of deleting the words “I have to” from your speech can reconnect you to your choice— your power in your own life.

When you feel yourself wanting to say “I have to,” it's a good time to pause and ask, "What needs am I meeting by choosing to do this?" OR "What needs are at cost when I choose to do this?"

For example, when you hear yourself say, “I have to go to work,” you can pause and have an internal dialogue that might sound something like this:

"I choose to go to work today because it meets my needs for security. In thinking about going to work, I feel frustrated and disheartened because it doesn't meet my needs for creativity, play, and connection. I wonder what I could do differently so that all these needs could be met in my day?"

Recognizing that you have a choice also means taking responsibility for your actions and your life. Sometimes this can be a little scary, and it might seem easier to attribute responsibility to circumstance, others, the rules, etc. However, when you deny your choice, you deny yourself the opportunity to create a life in which all of your needs are honored.

2. Offer explicit reassurance around autonomy

Whenever you make a request, invite someone to something, or initiate a negotiation, it’s helpful to say something explicit to remind them that you respect their autonomy, are available to hear “no,” or engage about differences. Create the habit of including phrases like one of the following:

• I have a request and I am open to hearing “No”

• Before we decide what to do, I want to remind you that what works for you is really important to me

• I am confident that we can find something that works well for both of us

• If you can’t come this time, we will find another time

• Take all the time you need to decide

• I support what’s right for you

• I hear you say “yes,” and I want to make sure it’s a full “yes.” Do you want more time to think about it?

• If you have a different idea, I would love to hear it

• I am imagining there are many ways this could work. I have one idea so far.

• I will feel fine if you say “no.”

3. Express your care for the other person and what you do want when saying “no”

• I really want to celebrate you on your birthday. You are important to me. At the same time, I want to maintain integrity with the plans I have. Can we find another time to celebrate your birthday?

• I hear this is important for you. Maybe it’s about a sense of family? (Making empathy guesses and hearing the person’s response). I value that too. And I would like to look for a different strategy to contribute to a sense of family for you. Are you willing to talk about another way I could contribute?

• Thanks for inviting me. I would love to play with you. Kayaking is not my thing. How about a bike ride?

• Thank you for your invitation to get together outside of our community time. I hear you valuing our connection. To support ease and focus in my life, I would prefer continuing to connect at community events.

As you consider these perspectives and practices regarding autonomy, I invite you to bring to mind someone that you either know personally or someone who is a well-known model of supporting autonomy while still attending to needs for all. Identify as many specifics of their words and behaviors as you can. Notice what inspires you most. 

Practice

Is there something in your life now that you have been telling yourself you have to do? Take a moment now and notice what needs you are meeting with that decision, what needs are at cost, and what else is possible?

*Core needs include: safety, belonging, support, authenticity, acceptance, autonomy, being seen/heard, inclusion