You find yourself in a relationship in which you are longing for more intimacy. You would like the other person to share more with you about their inner world. You want to take responsibility for doing what you can to create a safe and responsive space that will support intimacy.

Let’s look at a few behaviors that inhibit sharing, and a few that help create a safe space that supports it.

The following behaviors will inhibit intimate sharing. I am guessing that you recognize most of these as behaviors you don’t enjoy nor want to engage in, but perhaps there is one that creeps in at times and reading it here will help you bring greater mindfulness to it.

Behaviors that don’t support intimate sharing

• You respond to their sharing with ideas about how their view is flawed or how they could express what they are saying more clearly.

• You perceive their sharing as an invitation for a debate and proceed to take the counterpoint.

• What they say reminds you of something about yourself and you interrupt to share your thoughts before they express more than a few sentences.

• You diminish what they share because it's not what you value or want to give attention to. For example: "How can you notice the cars when there are all these beautiful trees to notice?!"

• You dismiss or push away their feelings. For example, “Come on, don't be grumpy! Snap out of it, it's a beautiful day."

• You push them to speed up or slow down in their expression by finishing sentences, interrupting, or telling them to get to the point.

• You multi-task while they are sharing.

• You hear what they have said, but don't acknowledge that you have heard it.

The following are a few behaviors that can support a sense of being heard, emotional safety, and trust in responsiveness. Which of these do you already do, and which would like to attend to a bit more?

Behaviors that support intimate sharing

• Whenever you are uncertain about what they are looking for in response, you ask. For example, it might sound like this, “Are you wanting empathy about that, or are you looking for perspective, or just to know that I hear you?”

• When you notice you disagree or think they are wrong, you offer curiosity rather than correction. For example, “Hmm, how are you connecting those two things? I am seeing it differently and want to understand where you are coming from?”

• When they share something you are not interested in, you offer curiosity about the underlying feelings and needs alive in their interest.

• When they are upset or in a bad mood you offer a few words of compassion like, “Sorry to hear you are grumpy. Sounds like you have had a rough day.”

• When the flow of the conversation isn’t going as you would like, you take responsibility for your preference by making a request and asking to talk another time.

• You check in about what level of listening they are looking for. For example, “Are you wanting my full attention or is folding laundry okay as we talk?”

• You offer verbal and nonverbal cues that you are listening.

• You periodically offer reassurance. For example, you might say something like, "I really value hearing what you have to say and I am here to listen."

Attitudes and behaviors that support and embrace differences, offer compassion and reassurance, and invite curiosity are key to creating a safe space that supports intimate sharing.

Practice

Today, as you interact with someone you would like more intimacy with, bring special attention to how you respond. Which of these supportive behaviors are you already doing?

You can read more about creating a safe space for vulnerable sharing in this Connection Gem.