The word collusion in the context of personal work is often used to refer to agreement and joining in with negative judgments of others. It is often used as a strategy to offer support. But collusion is a costly strategy for showing support.  When you are colluding, you are feeding reactivity in yourself and the other person. Reactivity effectively blocks creative problem solving and helpful communication. 

But in a given moment, when you see someone you care for suffering and your own anger arises, it can be very difficult to slow down, take a breath, and really choose to meet what’s happening with honesty and empathy rather than collusion.  Here are three ways to stay grounded in these situations.

First, remember that you don't have to answer questions literally. Most people don’t know how to ask for specific support or empathy so they ask for agreement.  When someone asks, “Don’t you think he is being inconsiderate?!” You don’t have to agree or disagree. Give yourself permission to take a breath and respond from your heart. Here are some possible responses: 

• Sounds like you would have liked more (universal need).

• I can see why it’s so upsetting.

• I would want more consideration in your place.

• So frustrating huh?

• When I think about what happened, I feel frustrated and scared, because I care so much about you and want you to have consideration and respect.  Is there anything I can do to help?

Second, it’s helpful to remember that when people are expressing emotional pain they almost always want connection first. They want to know that someone is with them and cares about what is happening. Collusion is a tragic strategy for showing that you are with someone. Other, more helpful ways include: listening silently, eye contact, physical affection, empathy, and curiosity.

Lastly, you may not be able to respond to the other person if you are triggered. If you have had difficult experiences with the same person or if you aren’t able to tolerate the discomfort of seeing someone you care for in pain, you may need to opt out of the conversation and take care of yourself.

Here are some possible responses for opting out:

• Wow, I am so triggered by what you’re saying that I can’t find anything helpful to say.

• That brings my own stuff up. I need a few minutes before I can talk about it.

• I am distracted by my own challenges with that person and need a moment before I can hear you.

• I’m sorry. I am not able to be a good listener right now. Can we talk about it tomorrow?

Words are powerful, but fundamentally collusion is an act of disconnecting with your heart more than something you say. Collusion not only hardens your heart (quite literally the muscles around your heart), it distracts you from the experience of feelings and needs. It takes courage to stay with your own experience when it is uncomfortable or painful. But it’s worth it. This kind of courage, accessed over and over again, leads you to the invaluable rewards of compassion, wisdom, and equanimity.

Practice

This week set your intention to become more aware of collusion whether in your own mind, in your own conversations, or in those around you. Each time you notice it, check in with the experience of it. What happens in your heart? Where does the conversation go?