Shame is often believed to be a motivator for change and thus a way to create accountability. The thought is that if you shame someone enough they will want to change their behavior and become a better person. Unfortunately, this tragic strategy has a high cost. 

Feeling ashamed and being shamed by others most often results in reactive behaviors including withdrawing, shutting down, defending, and attacking. Getting stuck in shame drains you of the emotional and physical resources you need to make real changes that support true accountability. Try reflecting on your own experience of shame and see how often it has kept you from taking the risk of trying to do something differently. Transformation and change require emotional support — like feeling seen as inherently good and capable of change. 

Shame’s contribution to accountability is an alarm meant to alert you to a lack of integrity. When shame arises, it is usually because you have behaved in a way that does not align with how you see yourself — or who you want to become. Shame lets you know that you have behaved in a way that is not in integrity with your values. Understanding shame in this way cues you to take action that will put you back into alignment with your values. This often means making amends with those impacted by your behavior and taking action to meet the needs that went unmet.

When you understand that shame is an alarm, you can enter a true process of accountability. Begin by paying close attention to shame when it comes up. (See this Connection Gem for help with meeting shame.) Identify what you did that was out of integrity with your values. Then, use the list of universal needs to identify the values you violated and the needs that weren’t met for others. 

Next, decide what actions you will take to realign with your values and make amends with those impacted by your behavior. Accountability is completed by making a plan for how to access a new behavior in a future similar situation and for how you will check in with yourself and the other person about that agreement. 

Practicing this process of accountability with minor instances of shame will help you build confidence about your ability to meet shame and trust it as an alarm — rather than a true reflection of who you are. Shame will simply become a flashing indicator light on the dashboard of your experience.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on something you did that you still have a sense of shame about, and consider how you might apply this process of accountability. Here it is in brief:

1. Name the feelings and body sensations associated with shame.

2. Name the values and needs unmet by your behavior. Use the list of universal needs.

3. Identify the actions you will take to to realign with your values and make amends with those impacted by your behavior.

4. Make a plan for how to access a new behavior in a future similar situation and for how you will check in with yourself and the other person about that agreement.