Mindful Compassionate Dialogue is a consciousness of connection.  That doesn't mean creating the most connection possible with everyone in your life.  Rather, it means discerning what type of connection is most supportive in each relationship.

A student, let’s call him Adolfo, was recently talking about how his acupuncturist had crossed a boundary in treatment (brought up a topic outside of their usual realm and implicit agreement around relating).  Adolfo is interested in a career in acupuncture and was asking for advice regarding various school programs. During the conversation the acupuncturist asked him,

"Are you going to be around town this weekend?" Adolfo hesitantly answered yes. Then the acupuncturist asked, "Would you like to go to dinner with my partner and I?"  Adolfo answered with a wavering yes and quickly changed the subject.

Adolfo felt nervous needing clarity about his acupuncturist's intention.  At the same time, he had a need for harmony and connection within the boundaries of the client / patient relationship they had created.  His strategy was to give the most immediately pleasing answer and then move away from the topic. This strategy didn't meet either of his needs very well.

I gave Adolfo this formula for situations like this in which you don't want to create more intimacy, but you do want clarity about a sticky interaction.  First, refer to the event in observational terms. Second, make a guess about the most neutral reason the other might have had for what they said or did. For Adolfo, it sounded like this:

 "Hey, when you asked me about dinner, were you just wanting to offer more about acupuncture career stuff?"

Here the need is implicit with the word "offer" He guessed his acupuncturist had a need for contribution. If the acupuncturist answers yes, they can talk about a comfortable venue for doing that or Adolfo can say he has enough information for now. If the acupuncturist answers yes and also expresses an interest in friendship, Adolfo may ask for time to consider if he would like that dual relationship or not. If not, he may say,

"Oh, I can't be friends, life just feels too complicated for me."  (Implicit need for ease).

Otherwise he can start a dialogue about getting together as friends and what that might look like.

Creating the connection you want means deciding what elements of your experience and process to share.  In any given interaction, there are many strands of observations, feelings, needs, and possible requests.  To create the particular kind of connection you want with someone, requires sifting through experiences and deciding which to share in that relationship.

Practice

This week review your relationships with helping professionals. Notice exactly what you are choosing to share and what you are leaving out.  What are they sharing? How are these choices shaping your relationships?

Are the boundaries as clear as you would like them to be? What would you like to have or express more clarity about?